I don't know how many of you have ever read Samuel Beckett's metaphysical absurdist play, 'Waiting for Godot' but it's something I had to do years ago in first year university, and I've never forgotten it. I would never be so presumptuous as to pretend that I could even mimic Beckett's style, but a recent post by our own King of Hearts provided a brief moment of inspiration. So, without further ado, here for your entertainment pleasure is the first draft manuscript of 'WAITING FOR BORDO', a tragicomic one-act surrealistic play. Like Beckett's much more serious play, this really is "theater of the absurd."
[DISCLAIMER: I did not write this play. It was written for me by the participants. They get full credit for all the profound statements they have made. I SWEAR THAT I HAVE NOT CHANGED ONE WRITTEN WORD. The only punctuation I have added is periods at the ends of sentences. Otherwise, everything you read can be found exactly as written by each character in a post somewhere on this website, and therefore many of the lines will sound familiar. And finally, I love each of these three characters--in the virtual sense, of course--and bless them daily for the knowledge and entertainment which they have provided for me and countless others in this little internet world we visit. They are truly the heroes of the WS forums.]
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< < < < < WAITING FOR BOARD-O > > > > >
< < A TRAGICOMIC MOMENT Of MAN'S EXISTENCE IN ONE SCENE > >
[THE STAGE IS BARE. ONE LIGHT BURNS DIMLY OVERHEAD. THE NARRATOR STANDS MID-STAGE, HEAD BOWED SLIGHTLY AS IF WEIGHED DOWN BY A JEROBOAM OF SCREAMING EAGLE]
NARRATOR: "Finally, in the interest of this thread becoming the first 1,000-post entry, I'd like to invite Mishy, Board-O and Jones to start a flaming fight." (from 'Post No. 777' by the King of Hearts)
[NARRATOR EXITS, STAGE LEFT; FROM THE RIGHT SLOWLY ENTER THE THREE]
MISHY: really missed you Jones these past few days.
JONES: yes I am sadly ready to be underwhelmed.
BORDO: I somehow managed to supress my natural response.
MISHY: Well, it's never too late to come to your senses !
BORDO: That's absolutely ridiculous.
MISHY: I'm thinking of starting a religion based on that very fact.
JONES: I don't find that explanation persuasive.
MISHY: I think the concept is good, it just needs more contributions by posters.
JONES: Of course that assertion is incorrect as far as I am concerned.
BORDO: Jones' assessment seems right on target to me.
MISHY: Damn, I do love fighting with you two boneheads, but I did give you slightly more credit lately Board-O - or were you just 'bored-O' today?
BORDO: You have no idea what you're talking about.
MISHY: you should have no trouble finding it.
JONES: You are way overreacting.
BORDO: Just because you state something with conviction doesn't mean you have any idea of what you speak.
MISHY: Jones, you know exactly what you did and said here, and the hand you played in this.
JONES: If I were you I would try at least one of each vintage.
BORDO: A lot of people subscribe to that theory.
MISHY: Now there's something mindless for us to try to figure out.
BORDO: I know another suggestion may not be welcome, but I'd think participation would be easier in the future.
MISHY: YES, he provided a study for me to read, but it was too difficult with his hands in my mouth, but I got the gist of it by his explination.
JONES: I am not forcing anything down your throat.
MISHY: I'm also guessing, judging by what sugar can do to your teeth, acid is just a tad bit more effective.
BORDO: if he tells you that brushing your teeth after dinner will make the acid disappear from your mouth, he is an idiot.
JONES: Thanks Board-O. Minor skirmishes on the internet hardly rise to the level of creating a scene or much of anything else while one is traveling.
MISHY: it's just one big happy family of fun and frivolity here.
BORDO: Yeah, I showed it to my wife, too. She hit me.
MISHY: Your behavior is only harming your credibulity, and certainly can't be good for your popularity or respect from other posters.
JONES: A few months ago, I got in trouble for voicing my concern that Mishy is mentally unstable.
BORDO: What about all of the FUN that followed?
MISHY: Geez Board-O, there should be billows of smoke coming out of your ears by now !? hmmmmm.......zap, zap, zap !!!
BORDO: I never felt they quite deserved the prices they fetched.
MISHY: after that 1/2 bottle of Chilean Merlot I had last night, I'm apparently "raging with estrogen" today.
BORDO: I'm relaxing here watching your estrogen rage. It ain't a pretty sight.
MISHY: My reference to 'raging estrogen' had nothing to do with me or you, or this thread for that matter......so what's the problem ? I should be asking you 'that' question.
BORDO: This is not about the need to brush your teeth before you go to bed.
MISHY: isn't it like arguing about whether we should wash our hands after we go to the bathroom ?
JONES: I also occasionally just throw them in the dishwasher to get them really clean.
MISHY: It would be your style I'd think, I'm guessing Board-O would also.
BORDO: they are very big and even a little heavy-handed.
JONES: They have big fruit and aging is not absolutely mandatory.
BORDO: They may hold, but, imo, they don't improve.
JONES: I do not believe it develops the complexity in the nose or etherealness on the palate.
BORDO: The fact that I regard them as pests doesn't mean they actually are pests. To me, they are, because I neither need nor want their officious attention.
MISHY: No one has denied this very obvious fact, even the most pessimistic.
JONES: Why pay a huge markup when it is easy to replicate at home?
BORDO: Which one of you mailed me an ear?
MISHY: With the weather being not quite spring but further from winter, I have been swinging both ways.
JONES: Both are very enjoyable.
MISHY: It's obvious what's going on here - Jones wants me and Board-Os jelous, and you can't fault either of them for that.
BORDO: These old bones need a nap.
MISHY: who EXACTLY do you 'THINK' your kidding ?
BORDO: Later, I'll try to call your hotel and see about a group rate like yours.
MISHY: I don't want you to come and throw things at me from the lobby , you and your cronies scare me !
BORDO: OH NO! I'VE CREATED A MONSTER!
MISHY: He only wants me for my soul, I'm on to him.
JONES: No sleeping in coffins.
BORDO: From the taste, I would have bet it came from a box.
JONES: You are asking for an open container violation.
BORDO: Well, I guess that method is OK, but then we'll wind up staying in a bunch of different hotels.
MISHY: I had stated that Board-o was a big, fat fool, which I did appoligize for.
BORDO: I guess you can get pretty anal about your stemware if you want.
JONES: I don't see any reason to defer one's gratification.
BORDO: I don't know that there's a formula. It's a measurement, by volume.
MISHY: Why it works, I don't really know, but it may just be some sort of miracle.
BORDO: It probably wasn't sediment.
MISHY: Yes, yes.............I've been very busy battling evil here......I'll get back to you tomorrow.
JONES: I have been lucky to experience all of the above at least a few times and many at least a couple of times.
MISHY: Jonesey, when will you stop arguing about things you know absolutely nothing about, and for some reason refuse to research ?
JONES: Using points does not automatically connote one is using a purportedly "objective" review standard.
BORDO: My most common request is to have a fruit sauce with duck changed to a non-sweet sauce.
MISHY: ironically, that also works beautifully with the local wines.
JONES: Mishy you are letting past threads that you (imo overreacted to) color the way you are viewing this one.
BORDO: She also thinks any contrary opinion is a direct personal attack.
MISHY: The fact that he is so very threatened by me makes me feel very 'almighty' - and it's just so cute !
JONES: I am a little surprised he performed so poorly for you in this instance.
MISHY: Jones your attempting to define my mental stabulity while being a sociopath is truly comic.
JONES: it may lack the spice to be an ideal match.
MISHY: I'd like to know what exactly is a Texas dry rub ?
JONES: more overtly fruity, is approachable earlier, and does not have as much iron/blood/spice tones.
BORDO: It is pleasant enough, but has a seedy part also.
MISHY: regardless of cost and avalabulity I want it.
JONES: Everyone's palate is perfect in one instance - their own personal taste.
MISHY: WOW...........I'm hurt I know nothing You know ALL. I've been so wrong !
BORDO: I don't remember discussing this.
JONES: I don't think anyone is really arguing here.
BORDO: If I agree with Jones, will I be accused of tiptoing around him?
MISHY: I'm "guessing" your on 'crack' - but I LIKE your sense of humour.
JONES: I agree with Mishy.
MISHY: This is the FIRST time Jones has ADMITTED it.
BORDO: You have a penchant for stating the obvious.
JONES: I agree. This is a great way to experience.
MISHY: Board-O is correct.
BORDO: I don't tiptoe around anyone, but you'rer welcome to your opinion.
JONES: For the most part, I agree.
BORDO: That is part of what I was trying to say.
JONES: life is too short.
MISHY: Oh, I do hope this wasn't just another hallucination Because it has that 'feel' of surrealism.
BORDO: A little dose of realism would help. Just because you live there doesn't make it Valhalla.
[ALL EXIT, STAGE LEFT; LIGHTS DIM SLOWLY; ONLY SILENCE REMAINS]