Alrighty, Purplehaze talked me into this...so here it goes:
Just remember, this happened years and years and years ago before I became the gourmet chef I am today
As I walked through the aisles of a local grocery store, I noticed a sign that read "Sirloin steaks $1.99/lb" I thought to myself, "Wow! What a great deal!" Then I thought about the quality of meat this steak would be since it was so cheap.
What the hell? So I bought 3 pounds of this sirloin steak and took it home for a yummylious dinner.
I didn't know a single thing about cooking steak except that you could throw it in a frying pan and to make it tender, you could take a meat hammer and pound it. My first step after I took the steaks home was to wash it...since you wash chicken, I assumed you washed steaks also. Then I tossed on some meat tenderizer to make it tender...waited about 1 hour. I got very impatient and decided I couldn't wait any longer for the meat to "tenderize." I didn't have a meat mallet so I put my thinking cap on and looked around the kitchen for the most similar thing to a meat mallet. I think I started slapping the steaks with a spatula, then a soup ladle, but I knew my efforts were wasted. So I picked up an unopened Coke can since I thought it weighed enough to break the tissue of the meat.
After a few minutes of pounding the steaks, I got smart and put down the Coke can. There was no way I could make steaks tender by pounding it with a Coke can. So I looked high and low for some Ziploc freezer bags and threw two steaks in each bag. I put my sandals on, grabbed my keys, and grabbed the steaks. I went outside, tucked the Ziploc bag full of steaks underneath the back tire of my Ford Explorer, and climbed in and started the engine. (I am a woman who likes to make use of equipment, such as my Explorer, for more than one purpose. Not only can I use it as transportation, I am now using it as a kitchen accessory.) I put the car in reverse and ran over the steaks once. The funny thing was that I didn't feel anything as I ran over the steaks. So I put the car in forward motion and ran the steaks over again. Then I thought to myself, "Gee, I sure spent a lot of time trying to tenderize these steaks. I would sure hate to try this new technique and not have it work." So compulsively, I put the car in reverse and forward about another five or six times. I turned the engine off, got out of the car, and tried to find the Ziploc bags...they were gone. I thought I was going insane. Ziploc bags full of steaks just don't disappear. I looked in near proximity of my tires and couldn't find them. I looked on the tire and there it was...steak molded in the tread of my Firestone tire. I freaked...I had invested so much time into making these steaks edible I wasn't going to call it quits. So I pulled the steaks from in between the tread and stuffed them back into their bags and took them inside.
I got inside, inspected each steak carefully to remove any kind of debris. Then I washed each steak carefully. I noticed how thin the steaks were now...ah! Just perfect to toss into a frying pan...I could taste it now.
I fried the steaks one by one and put each on a plate. They looked really good. I was so proud of myself. To test my accomplishment, I cut up a piece of steak and chewed it up...oh my goodness, it was perfectly seasoned...but wait...what is this gritty substance? I told myself cheap steak must have this gritty substance. So I kept chewing and chewing...then I bit something...it couldn't have been a bone since the steak didn't come with bones...then I realized I had eaten some gravel. The entire steak was saturated with gravel that was stuck in the tread and from the driveway the steak had been pounded in by my multi-ton vehicle.
I never once attempted to make steaks again for about three years after this incidence...it scarred me for life...and the people who ate it and found out the story behind it.