Skip to main content

Alrighty, Purplehaze talked me into here it goes:

Just remember, this happened years and years and years ago before I became the gourmet chef I am today Wink

As I walked through the aisles of a local grocery store, I noticed a sign that read "Sirloin steaks $1.99/lb" I thought to myself, "Wow! What a great deal!" Then I thought about the quality of meat this steak would be since it was so cheap.

What the hell? So I bought 3 pounds of this sirloin steak and took it home for a yummylious dinner.

I didn't know a single thing about cooking steak except that you could throw it in a frying pan and to make it tender, you could take a meat hammer and pound it. My first step after I took the steaks home was to wash it...since you wash chicken, I assumed you washed steaks also. Then I tossed on some meat tenderizer to make it tender...waited about 1 hour. I got very impatient and decided I couldn't wait any longer for the meat to "tenderize." I didn't have a meat mallet so I put my thinking cap on and looked around the kitchen for the most similar thing to a meat mallet. I think I started slapping the steaks with a spatula, then a soup ladle, but I knew my efforts were wasted. So I picked up an unopened Coke can since I thought it weighed enough to break the tissue of the meat.

After a few minutes of pounding the steaks, I got smart and put down the Coke can. There was no way I could make steaks tender by pounding it with a Coke can. So I looked high and low for some Ziploc freezer bags and threw two steaks in each bag. I put my sandals on, grabbed my keys, and grabbed the steaks. I went outside, tucked the Ziploc bag full of steaks underneath the back tire of my Ford Explorer, and climbed in and started the engine. (I am a woman who likes to make use of equipment, such as my Explorer, for more than one purpose. Not only can I use it as transportation, I am now using it as a kitchen accessory.) I put the car in reverse and ran over the steaks once. The funny thing was that I didn't feel anything as I ran over the steaks. So I put the car in forward motion and ran the steaks over again. Then I thought to myself, "Gee, I sure spent a lot of time trying to tenderize these steaks. I would sure hate to try this new technique and not have it work." So compulsively, I put the car in reverse and forward about another five or six times. I turned the engine off, got out of the car, and tried to find the Ziploc bags...they were gone. I thought I was going insane. Ziploc bags full of steaks just don't disappear. I looked in near proximity of my tires and couldn't find them. I looked on the tire and there it was...steak molded in the tread of my Firestone tire. I freaked...I had invested so much time into making these steaks edible I wasn't going to call it quits. So I pulled the steaks from in between the tread and stuffed them back into their bags and took them inside.

I got inside, inspected each steak carefully to remove any kind of debris. Then I washed each steak carefully. I noticed how thin the steaks were now...ah! Just perfect to toss into a frying pan...I could taste it now.

I fried the steaks one by one and put each on a plate. They looked really good. I was so proud of myself. To test my accomplishment, I cut up a piece of steak and chewed it up...oh my goodness, it was perfectly seasoned...but wait...what is this gritty substance? I told myself cheap steak must have this gritty substance. So I kept chewing and chewing...then I bit couldn't have been a bone since the steak didn't come with bones...then I realized I had eaten some gravel. The entire steak was saturated with gravel that was stuck in the tread and from the driveway the steak had been pounded in by my multi-ton vehicle.

I never once attempted to make steaks again for about three years after this scarred me for life...and the people who ate it and found out the story behind it. Big Grin
Original Post

Replies sorted oldest to newest

I think folks in the midwest eat more beef than we Easterners. I remember we had a guy staying with us from Kansas for awhile, and he ate beef and meats every night and was shocked at the high prices. Once he was using the grill for a big steak and I took some asparagus out there to grill them up. He looked actually frightened.
good observation, Kpak.
Reminds me of the guy from Oklahoma who loved seafood, but never got it because all they ate there was beef. Well, he goes on a business trip to Boston. He arrives a day early because he wants to make sure he gets his fill of seafood. After gathering his bags at the airport he hails a cab, and, in his Western twang says to the cabbie, "Partner, could you kindly direct me to a place where I can get scrod?"
The cab driver, with his New England accent and private school education says, "Why, sir, I don't believe I have ever heard the past plu-perfect of that verb!"

Add Reply

Link copied to your clipboard.