A wise man gave me some advice for the future,

When you are over 60,

Never trust a fart

Never walk by bathroom,

Never waist a Boner.
The Dali Lama visited NYC.

He was walking on the street and came upon a hot dog street car vendor and decided to go over.

The vendor asked, "what would you like?"
The Dali Lama replied, "make me one with everything."
Three guys applied for a job with the CIA. They all got up to the final test.

The first guy walked into the director's office and sat down. The director reached in his desk and pulled out a pistol. Laying it on the desk in front of the guy, he told him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and to the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
The guy looked at him and said, "No way."
The director said, "You fail."

The next guy came in. The director told him the same thing. The second guy picked up the gun and headed for the room. He came back about 15 minutes later and told the director that he just couldn't go through with it.
The director said, "You fail."

The third guy came in. The director told him the same thing. The third guy headed up to the room. The director heard 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus-glass breaking, furniture getting smashed, things falling. The guy came back in beat up and his clothes tore up. The director said, "What happened to you?"

The guy replied, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death."
A recently divorced woman places an ad in the Personals section of her local newspaper and it reads

"I am looking for a great lover who will not run around and will not cheat on me and will not physically beat me."

The next day her doorbell rings and when she opens the door there is a man in a wheel chair with no arms and no legs. She says "May I help you?" He says "Yes, I am here responding to your ad in the paper yesterday". She says "I do not understand". He says "I cannot run around and cheat on you, I have no legs. I cannot beat you becuase I have no arms." She says "What about the part about being a great lover?"

He says "How do you think I ran the doorbell?"

IW
A woman walks into a bar with a duck under her arm and orders a beer. The bartender says what are you doing in the bar with that pig? She says it is not a pig it is a duck. The bartender says I wasn't talking to you, I was talking to the duck.

IW
In the ER, the doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out and suspicious. If you had a nine-incher before, and you decide to invest in only a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?"

"We're going with the granite countertops."
Mr. Robertson gets a call from his wife's doctor's office.

"Sorry to bother you sir, but there was a little mix up at the office yesterday. We had two Mrs. Robertsons in the office with two very different diagnoses. Unfortunately, the nurse mixed up the records and we're unsure which diagnosis goes with which Mrs. Robertson. One was diagnosed with Altzheimer's and the other tested HIV positive."

"Good Lord," says Mr. Robertson. "What do you suggest I do?"

"We recommend that you take her for a long drive to the outskirts of town and let her out of the car. Drive away fast. If she comes home, don't f___ her!"

PH
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to discover a large carrot under the pillow. When Mary Jo came home, mother demanded an explanation of the carrot. "Mother, I want to be honest with you," she confessed, "for the past few weeks that carrot has been my husband." "Well," the mother replied, "Consider yourself a widow, because your husband just went into tonight's stew!"



A blond guy was overheard to say at the hospital, "My wife just delivered twins." "So! You should be happy! Why are you so angry?" "I want to know which Son of a Bitch is the father of the second child!"
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "But my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." I said, "Enjoy."
It was one of those warm afternoons, so typical of summer, and everyone was wearing their club-approved walking shorts and short sleeve golf shirts. Suddenly, a commotion ensued on the 10th tee. At least a dozen club golfers had left the practice tee to watch a well-endowed blonde as she was about to tee off. Not being used to such a commotion, the course Marshall steered his golf cart over towards the tee, and it quickly became apparent what was causing this unorthodox gathering of club members: The voluptuous blonde, in her brief, yet acceptable attire, had her right breast fully exposed. The Marshall quickly headed over to the tee, and stated to the blonde in no uncertain terms, "Pardon me miss, but you can't tee off in that attire." "What's wrong with my attire, sir?", she replied. "Well, it's your blouse," he stammered, apparently embarrassed. "What's wrong with my blouse?" she replied seriously. "Well, it's not exactly your blouse, you're not wearing a bra, and your blouse is open, and your right breast is exposed," he stammered. The blonde looked down at her blouse, obviously shocked, and quickly glanced over towards her empty golf cart. "Oh my God, I left my baby on the 9th Green."
quote:
Originally posted by Maverick:
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "But my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." I said, "Enjoy."


Was that a joke or you just reminiscing?
quote:
Originally posted by Maverick:
It was one of those warm afternoons, so typical of summer, and everyone was wearing their club-approved walking shorts and short sleeve golf shirts. Suddenly, a commotion ensued on the 10th tee. At least a dozen club golfers had left the practice tee to watch a well-endowed blonde as she was about to tee off. Not being used to such a commotion, the course Marshall steered his golf cart over towards the tee, and it quickly became apparent what was causing this unorthodox gathering of club members: The voluptuous blonde, in her brief, yet acceptable attire, had her right breast fully exposed. The Marshall quickly headed over to the tee, and stated to the blonde in no uncertain terms, "Pardon me miss, but you can't tee off in that attire." "What's wrong with my attire, sir?", she replied. "Well, it's your blouse," he stammered, apparently embarrassed. "What's wrong with my blouse?" she replied seriously. "Well, it's not exactly your blouse, you're not wearing a bra, and your blouse is open, and your right breast is exposed," he stammered. The blonde looked down at her blouse, obviously shocked, and quickly glanced over towards her empty golf cart. "Oh my God, I left my baby on the 9th Green."

The answer to the forum title is, "No." Banana
First off ... I could never afford to take a date to a place that served that kinda stuff. Secondly ... I'd always get the blow-job before taking a date to dinner.


I might be goofy ... but I'm not stupid.
In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together. On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says, "There's something I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank, I'm a lesbian." "That's OK," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."

Prostitute to arresting officer: “I’m not selling sex. I’m selling condoms with free demonstration.”

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, 'You’ve got Male!

An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

The lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for Christmas. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

A busybody visited her bachelor neighbor and said, "You're 45 years old and have never been married. I have a lovely niece your age. Say the word and I'll introduce you." "Don't bother," the bachelor said. "I have two sisters who look after all my needs." The meddlesome woman replied, "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." The bachelor said, "I said two sisters. I didn't say they were my sisters."
This one got me into trouble at home when I told it:

What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

A: One is a Superhero and the other is a command.
A husband and wife wake up in their bed. It is their 25th wedding anniversary.
The wife says, "Honey. Today is our 25th wedding anniversary. I want something special. Not the usual stuff, because this is our 25th."
The husband says, "Sweetie, if I can accommodate your wish, I will do so."
The wife says, "I want something that will go from zero to 150 in about 3.5 seconds."
The husband says, "Fine. I will get you a bathroom scale."
A man needs to go for a haircut and he asks his little daughter if she'd like to go with him. "Only if you get me something to eat for breakfast, Daddy," the little girl answers. The father agrees, knowing there is a Dunkin Donuts next to the barbershop.

He buys her something to eat and they go into the barbershop. While the man is getting his hair cut, his little daughter stands right next to him, eating. The barber looks down at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

The girl replies, "Yeah, and I'm gonna get tits, too!"
THE GUNFIGHTER


A young cowboy sitting in a honky-tonk saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been known as one of the fastest guns in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his own powerful ambition to become a great shooter. 

"Could you maybe give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun a bit too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg, and make sure it's tight.''

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Yep, sure will."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That is terrific!" shouted the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster right where the hammer hits it-- that'll give you a much smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"You bet it will, son," said the old-timer. 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm really learnin' somethin' here! Got any more tips?"  

The old man nodded slowly, and pointed to a large metal can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there?  Go over and coat your gun with it."

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.  

"No, no," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Well, no," said the old-timer with a wink, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing around on that piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and this way it ain't gonna hurt nearly as much…"
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.
quote:
Originally posted by Zeus:
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen
again.

The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.

ROTFLMAO.
quote:
Originally posted by DoktaP:
quote:
Originally posted by Zeus:
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen
again.

The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.

ROTFLMAO.


Winner
This thread needs bumping...

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home overcome with depression. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Señor Roy."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Roy; he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Roy."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Roy."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Roy.
She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE…………;
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
Rory McIlroy is driving his new Mercedes in a rural area on his way to Shoal Creek Country Club. He pulls off at a gas station. There are a couple country bumpkins sitting there, whittling wood and chewing tobacco.
As Rory gets out of the 450SL, some tees fall from his pocket onto the cement in the gas station. One of the Alabama crackers says, “Hey, kid. What the heck are those things?”
Rory says, “They are tees. When I am driving, they hold my balls up.”
The country bumpkin says, “Amazing. Those Mercedes folks think of everything.”
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says, “we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“Yeah, well, it’s like this….Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture, and comes with one of Ken's friends…”
A Scotsman wearing a kilt has too much to drink, and falls asleep due to effects of the alcohol.
Two women walk by and they wonder if it is true that a Scotsman doesn't wear any undergarment under his kilt. So, they creep up quietly and gently lift the bottom of the kilt. In fact, the Scotsman has nothing on under the kilt! One of the women, as a prank, ties a blue ribbon around his penis, and they then sneak away.
An hour later MacDougall awakes and decides that he has to go to the bathroom and, uncovering himself, discovers the ribbon!
He looks down and says: "I don't know where ya been, laddie, but ya took first place, ya did!"
quote:
Originally posted by irwin:
A Scotsman wearing a kilt has too much to drink, and falls asleep due to effects of the alcohol.
Two women walk by and they wonder if it is true that a Scotsman doesn't wear any undergarment under his kilt. So, they creep up quietly and gently lift the bottom of the kilt. In fact, the Scotsman has nothing on under the kilt! One of the women, as a prank, ties a blue ribbon around his penis, and they then sneak away.
An hour later MacDougall awakes and decides that he has to go to the bathroom and, uncovering himself, discovers the ribbon!
He looks down and says: "I don't know where ya been, laddie, but ya took first place, ya did!"


Nice, though I liked it better when you sang it for us that time: Under Scots' Kilt
They now say that the Zika virus can be spread by having sex. Tell me, who would have sex with one of those mosquitoes?
quote:
Originally posted by irwin:
They now say that the Zika virus can be spread by having sex. Tell me, who would have sex with one of those mosquitoes?

Tight,eh?
I remember the time, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I had scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail, Lobster Patron, even Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

"No," she replied; "but Mom's not expecting a BJ tonight.”

I said, “Would you care for dessert?”
Coco Chanel once said that you should put perfume on places where you want to be kissed by a man. But hell does that burn!

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