Have you heard any good jokes lately?

Someone told this one and I found it online (too long to type it myself):


It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window
and now she's all dead."

"Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 554-7039?"
Bob was getting ready to tee of with his regular Wednesday foursome when a funeral procession began passing them by on the road adjacent to the club. Bob quickly took off his hat, leaned his driver against the fence and held his hand across his chest waiting solemnly until the whole procession passed them by. One of his buddies said, “Bob, that was really pretty thoughtful of you old guy.” Bob responded, “Yeah….well it’s the least I could do. I was married to her for 34 years.”

PH
Chemistry jokes someone gave me...



1. What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

2. A class asks the Chem professors, "Tell a potassium joke?"

He says, "K."

3. Argon walks into a bar, and the barman yells, "Get the hell out!"

Argon doesn't react.

4. One atom to another: "Oh, man, you lost an electron?"

"Dude, I'm positive."

5. Superconductor walks into a bar, and the barman says, "Get out!"

The superconductor leaves with no resistance.

6. A neutron wants to pay his bar tab.

The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

7. Wanna hear a joke about element 116?

UUH...

8. Oxygen and magnesium together...

OMg!
Heard some new ones....

They seem "Steven Wright-ish."



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

I failed my biology test by one point, I missed "Name two things commonly found in cells." It appears that Pedophiles and Politicians is not correct.

Actually, you can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
"You gotta help me doc. It's my wife."

The doc: It's your wife? What is it?

The patient: My wife thinks she is a chicken!

The doc: Your wife thinks she is a chicken?
Well, you should bring her here. With therapy, I can cure her.

The patient: I can't do that. I need the eggs.

Ba dum dum
A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?
"Are you kidding?," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!"
quote:
Originally posted by irwin:
A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?
"Are you kidding?," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!"


This, by chance, didn't start as a lawyer joke did it? Wink
An Avon lady gets on an elevator and the doors close. She suddenly feels a rumbling in her belly and rips a nice fart, and quickly pulls out her pine spray and tries to cover it. The doors open again and an old drunk gets on. The drunk is standing there swaying and suddenly said "Whew! What's that smell??". The lady, turning red, says "Umm, what does it smell like?" and the drunk says "Like someone shit a Christmas tree"
A rabbi has the urge to try pork. Of course, he can't go to a restaurant in the city in which he lives, because he might run into someone he knows.
So, he flies to NY, goes to a restaurant, and orders suckling pig. The dish is served to him on a nice platter, and the pig is roasted to a beautiful hue, with an apple in its mouth.
The rabbi looks at it. He picks up his fork. He picks up his knife. Just then, the door of the restaurant opens, and, IT'S A PERSON HE KNOWS FROM HIS CONGREGATION!!!
The guy says, "Rabbi....What are you doing?"
The rabbi says "This is amazing. I ordered a baked apple, and look how they serve it!!"
A police officer knocks on a guy's door and when he opens it, shows him an 8x10 photo and asks "Sir, is this your wife?". The guy looks and says "Why yes it is officer.". The cop says "Well, it looks like she's been hit by a bus" and the guy replies "Yeah, but she's got a great personality."
Cool

(rim shot)
Two male lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.....So...Do you think we should.....well.....You know.......Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other lawyer.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans . . .

. . . walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
an old man is in icu with all these beeping machines around him, an oxygen mask. He sees nurse walk by and in a muffled voice asks "nurse, are my testicles black?" Being a dedicated icu nurse she lifts up mr. schwartz's gown, examines and says " i assure you, your testicles are not black Mr. Shwartz!"
He takes a deep breath, removes his mask and said "thank you but i asked---are my test results back?"
The Republican

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
quote:
Originally posted by Ed Bowers [i.e. FlWino]:
Not a joke, but has me laughing for 3 days.

According to EPA results in CA. The farts that the 298,000 cows blow emit more polutants tha the 9.1 million cars in teh county.

Love to know who measured this piece of science


I certainly would not want to be the scientist that sat behind a cow all day holding a bottle to capture and measure just how much gas was being passed
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing very tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says: "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."

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