A drunk man staggers out of a New York bar one afternoon.

A nun in her habit walks by, and the drunk takes a huge swing and hits her right in the jaw.

He follows that up with a left hook and then a right hook to the face, then a couple solid body blows.

The nun goes down.

The drunk looks down at her as he is swaying and slurs....

"You're not so tough, Batman."
Note: Read this joke with an Irish accent.

A man walks up to the doorway of a pub, when suddenly a nun steps in his way.
"Sir, be off with you, now. Drinking of the demon rum is the surest way to hell. It will put all kinds of evil thoughts into your head, and turn from the rightous path!"
The man is quizzical, so he asks, "Sister, have you ever actually had a taste of fine, Irish whiskey?"
"No, I have never had a sip of the demon spirit, sir."
"Well then, Sister. How can you condem something you've never tried?"
The nun pauses for a bit, and then conceeds, "Well, sir, perhaps you're right. Perhaps you could bring me out a wee dram so I can see for meself. But if you could sir, please bring it out in a teacup, so as to maintain propriety?"
The man agrees and enters the pub, whereupon he asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. "But if you could barkeep, pour it into a teacup, please?"
The bartender explodes, "Jay-sus, Joseph, and Mary! It's that bloody nun again!"
Previously posted in another thread (somehow ignored Wink ):

BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have?? any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pu$$y willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
I just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I'll tell you what - never again.
-- Tim Vine

My mate Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
-- Gary Delaney

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

I went to the zoo. All it had in it was one dog. It was a Shitzu.

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.
-- Tommy Cooper

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
Paddy, is driving around Dublin trying to find a place to park, as he is to meet his mate for a drink. He drives around and around, but can't find a bloody parking spot.

He finally looks to the heavens and says, "Lord, if you can help me find a parking place, I promise that I will attend mass every Sunday for the rest of me live and go to confession every month."

Paddy turns the corner, and there is an open spot.

He looks back to the heavens and says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one!"
Southern Ingenuity

One morning 3 South Georgia good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Albany train station heading to Athens for a big football game.

The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.

"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.

"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.

When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.

He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.

The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.

That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.

"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.

When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.

Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".

There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war...
grandson goes up to grandma and says ..
"Grandma, what's that thing called when one person lays on top of the other person in bed?"

Grandma, ponders the age of her grandson, but finally decides that kids these days know everything so replies "it's called intercourse, and that's how you came about"

So the grandson happily runs off.



Later in the day, the grandson comes back and says "Grandma, Sam's mother says it's a bunk bed and she'd like a word with you"
A woman goes to her doc for her weekly checkup and decides to strike up some conversation.

"Doctor, you know that saying that women's fart don't smell nor make any noise?, Well it's true! Matter of fact, ever since I came in here I farted like 20 times already"

The doc furrows his brows and says "Here, try these and come back next week"

The woman comes back next week enraged and says "DOC WHAT DID YOU DO? My farts are still silent but they stink to high hell now!!!"

So the doc replies "Now that we've taken care of your sinus problems, we'll work on your hearing"
This one you have to try out loud to make it funny.

It's kinda like a clean version of The Aristocrats.

"Two whales are sitting next to each other in a bar. The first whale leans over to other one and says..."

(Here's your chance to improvise: make whale sounds...ooooooiiiihhhh oooooohhhhhh clickclick click, waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhoooooo ohhhhhhhhhhh unnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnoooooohhh oh, click click click....

Go on for about four long deeps breaths, even taking an obvious deep breath between 'choruses.'

After a while, you may even need to use hand gestures to get people to stay with ya.

Finally, after an exhaustive demonstration of your whale sound abilities, end the noise.

Pause....)

The big finish: "The second whale looks back at the first one and says, "What did you say?"

Big Grin

Seriously, ya gotta try it on someone before you realize how funny it is. The best part is that it will be funniest to you!
This guy walks into his doctor's office complaining of a sharp pain on his forehead. The doctor runs some tests and tells the guy "I've found your problem but you're not going to like the cure - I have to castrate you.". The guy says hell no and leaves. He goes back in several times over the next week or two hoping for a different answer but keeps getting the same one. Finally the pain gets to be too much for him and he goes in and tells the doctor "I can't take this any more - go ahead and take'em doc.". So the doctor does his thing and the guy leaves he office pain-free.

On his way home he walks into a men's store and tells the clerk "I need some new underwear.". The clerk asks what size he wears and the guy responds "32", to which the clerk says "oh no sir - you look more like a 36 or 38. You know, if you wear those things too tight you'll get this pain on your forehead..."
Someone told this one and I found it online (too long to type it myself):


It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" Says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!"

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window
and now she's all dead."

"Oh my god... And what about uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause, then Bob says, "Swimming pool? Is this 554-7039?"
Bob was getting ready to tee of with his regular Wednesday foursome when a funeral procession began passing them by on the road adjacent to the club. Bob quickly took off his hat, leaned his driver against the fence and held his hand across his chest waiting solemnly until the whole procession passed them by. One of his buddies said, “Bob, that was really pretty thoughtful of you old guy.” Bob responded, “Yeah….well it’s the least I could do. I was married to her for 34 years.”

PH
Chemistry jokes someone gave me...



1. What do you do with a dead chemist?

Barium.

2. A class asks the Chem professors, "Tell a potassium joke?"

He says, "K."

3. Argon walks into a bar, and the barman yells, "Get the hell out!"

Argon doesn't react.

4. One atom to another: "Oh, man, you lost an electron?"

"Dude, I'm positive."

5. Superconductor walks into a bar, and the barman says, "Get out!"

The superconductor leaves with no resistance.

6. A neutron wants to pay his bar tab.

The bartender says, "For you, no charge."

7. Wanna hear a joke about element 116?

UUH...

8. Oxygen and magnesium together...

OMg!
Heard some new ones....

They seem "Steven Wright-ish."



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

I failed my biology test by one point, I missed "Name two things commonly found in cells." It appears that Pedophiles and Politicians is not correct.

Actually, you can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
"You gotta help me doc. It's my wife."

The doc: It's your wife? What is it?

The patient: My wife thinks she is a chicken!

The doc: Your wife thinks she is a chicken?
Well, you should bring her here. With therapy, I can cure her.

The patient: I can't do that. I need the eggs.

Ba dum dum
A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?
"Are you kidding?," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!"
quote:
Originally posted by irwin:
A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?
"Are you kidding?," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!"


This, by chance, didn't start as a lawyer joke did it? Wink
An Avon lady gets on an elevator and the doors close. She suddenly feels a rumbling in her belly and rips a nice fart, and quickly pulls out her pine spray and tries to cover it. The doors open again and an old drunk gets on. The drunk is standing there swaying and suddenly said "Whew! What's that smell??". The lady, turning red, says "Umm, what does it smell like?" and the drunk says "Like someone shit a Christmas tree"
A rabbi has the urge to try pork. Of course, he can't go to a restaurant in the city in which he lives, because he might run into someone he knows.
So, he flies to NY, goes to a restaurant, and orders suckling pig. The dish is served to him on a nice platter, and the pig is roasted to a beautiful hue, with an apple in its mouth.
The rabbi looks at it. He picks up his fork. He picks up his knife. Just then, the door of the restaurant opens, and, IT'S A PERSON HE KNOWS FROM HIS CONGREGATION!!!
The guy says, "Rabbi....What are you doing?"
The rabbi says "This is amazing. I ordered a baked apple, and look how they serve it!!"
A police officer knocks on a guy's door and when he opens it, shows him an 8x10 photo and asks "Sir, is this your wife?". The guy looks and says "Why yes it is officer.". The cop says "Well, it looks like she's been hit by a bus" and the guy replies "Yeah, but she's got a great personality."
Cool

(rim shot)
Two male lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.....So...Do you think we should.....well.....You know.......Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other lawyer.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans . . .

. . . walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "
an old man is in icu with all these beeping machines around him, an oxygen mask. He sees nurse walk by and in a muffled voice asks "nurse, are my testicles black?" Being a dedicated icu nurse she lifts up mr. schwartz's gown, examines and says " i assure you, your testicles are not black Mr. Shwartz!"
He takes a deep breath, removes his mask and said "thank you but i asked---are my test results back?"
The Republican

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."
quote:
Originally posted by Ed Bowers [i.e. FlWino]:
Not a joke, but has me laughing for 3 days.

According to EPA results in CA. The farts that the 298,000 cows blow emit more polutants tha the 9.1 million cars in teh county.

Love to know who measured this piece of science


I certainly would not want to be the scientist that sat behind a cow all day holding a bottle to capture and measure just how much gas was being passed
Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around Lowe's Building Supply when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."

The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing very tight white shorts, a halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?"

The old guy says: "Doesn't matter. Let's look for yours."
Three guys applied for a job with the CIA. They all got up to the final test.

The first guy walked into the director's office and sat down. The director reached in his desk and pulled out a pistol. Laying it on the desk in front of the guy, he told him, "This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and to the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head."
The guy looked at him and said, "No way."
The director said, "You fail."

The next guy came in. The director told him the same thing. The second guy picked up the gun and headed for the room. He came back about 15 minutes later and told the director that he just couldn't go through with it.
The director said, "You fail."

The third guy came in. The director told him the same thing. The third guy headed up to the room. The director heard 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus-glass breaking, furniture getting smashed, things falling. The guy came back in beat up and his clothes tore up. The director said, "What happened to you?"

The guy replied, "After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun, so I had to choke her to death."
A recently divorced woman places an ad in the Personals section of her local newspaper and it reads

"I am looking for a great lover who will not run around and will not cheat on me and will not physically beat me."

The next day her doorbell rings and when she opens the door there is a man in a wheel chair with no arms and no legs. She says "May I help you?" He says "Yes, I am here responding to your ad in the paper yesterday". She says "I do not understand". He says "I cannot run around and cheat on you, I have no legs. I cannot beat you becuase I have no arms." She says "What about the part about being a great lover?"

He says "How do you think I ran the doorbell?"

IW
In the ER, the doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9,000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five-incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out and suspicious. If you had a nine-incher before, and you decide to invest in only a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.

The doctor comes back the next day. "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.

"And has she helped you make a decision?"

"Yes," says the man.

"What is your decision?"

"We're going with the granite countertops."
Mr. Robertson gets a call from his wife's doctor's office.

"Sorry to bother you sir, but there was a little mix up at the office yesterday. We had two Mrs. Robertsons in the office with two very different diagnoses. Unfortunately, the nurse mixed up the records and we're unsure which diagnosis goes with which Mrs. Robertson. One was diagnosed with Altzheimer's and the other tested HIV positive."

"Good Lord," says Mr. Robertson. "What do you suggest I do?"

"We recommend that you take her for a long drive to the outskirts of town and let her out of the car. Drive away fast. If she comes home, don't f___ her!"

PH
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
While making up her teen-age daughter's bed, she was shocked to discover a large carrot under the pillow. When Mary Jo came home, mother demanded an explanation of the carrot. "Mother, I want to be honest with you," she confessed, "for the past few weeks that carrot has been my husband." "Well," the mother replied, "Consider yourself a widow, because your husband just went into tonight's stew!"



A blond guy was overheard to say at the hospital, "My wife just delivered twins." "So! You should be happy! Why are you so angry?" "I want to know which Son of a Bitch is the father of the second child!"
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "But my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." I said, "Enjoy."
It was one of those warm afternoons, so typical of summer, and everyone was wearing their club-approved walking shorts and short sleeve golf shirts. Suddenly, a commotion ensued on the 10th tee. At least a dozen club golfers had left the practice tee to watch a well-endowed blonde as she was about to tee off. Not being used to such a commotion, the course Marshall steered his golf cart over towards the tee, and it quickly became apparent what was causing this unorthodox gathering of club members: The voluptuous blonde, in her brief, yet acceptable attire, had her right breast fully exposed. The Marshall quickly headed over to the tee, and stated to the blonde in no uncertain terms, "Pardon me miss, but you can't tee off in that attire." "What's wrong with my attire, sir?", she replied. "Well, it's your blouse," he stammered, apparently embarrassed. "What's wrong with my blouse?" she replied seriously. "Well, it's not exactly your blouse, you're not wearing a bra, and your blouse is open, and your right breast is exposed," he stammered. The blonde looked down at her blouse, obviously shocked, and quickly glanced over towards her empty golf cart. "Oh my God, I left my baby on the 9th Green."
quote:
Originally posted by Maverick:
A while back, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a date at her parents' home. I'd scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant. She ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Shrimp cocktail, Lobster, Champagne. I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?" "No," she replied. "But my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight." I said, "Enjoy."


Was that a joke or you just reminiscing?
quote:
Originally posted by Maverick:
It was one of those warm afternoons, so typical of summer, and everyone was wearing their club-approved walking shorts and short sleeve golf shirts. Suddenly, a commotion ensued on the 10th tee. At least a dozen club golfers had left the practice tee to watch a well-endowed blonde as she was about to tee off. Not being used to such a commotion, the course Marshall steered his golf cart over towards the tee, and it quickly became apparent what was causing this unorthodox gathering of club members: The voluptuous blonde, in her brief, yet acceptable attire, had her right breast fully exposed. The Marshall quickly headed over to the tee, and stated to the blonde in no uncertain terms, "Pardon me miss, but you can't tee off in that attire." "What's wrong with my attire, sir?", she replied. "Well, it's your blouse," he stammered, apparently embarrassed. "What's wrong with my blouse?" she replied seriously. "Well, it's not exactly your blouse, you're not wearing a bra, and your blouse is open, and your right breast is exposed," he stammered. The blonde looked down at her blouse, obviously shocked, and quickly glanced over towards her empty golf cart. "Oh my God, I left my baby on the 9th Green."

The answer to the forum title is, "No." Banana
In order to save on vacation costs, two secretaries are rooming together. On the first night Jill turns to her friend, puts her hand on her shoulder, and says, "There's something I've been meaning to tell you about myself. I'll be frank, I'm a lesbian." "That's OK," says the other girl. "I'll be Frank tomorrow night, I'm a lesbian too."

Prostitute to arresting officer: “I’m not selling sex. I’m selling condoms with free demonstration.”

A blonde goes into a laundromat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The Laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "Come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."

A little boy goes to his father and asks 'Daddy, how was I born?' The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, and googled each other. There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said, 'You’ve got Male!

An executive was stressed out. He had to fire one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, either Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, since they were both equally qualified and both excellent workers. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take a couple of aspirins and the executive approached her and said, "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you please jack off? I have a terrible headache."

The lesbians next door, asked me what I would like for Christmas. I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

A busybody visited her bachelor neighbor and said, "You're 45 years old and have never been married. I have a lovely niece your age. Say the word and I'll introduce you." "Don't bother," the bachelor said. "I have two sisters who look after all my needs." The meddlesome woman replied, "That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife." The bachelor said, "I said two sisters. I didn't say they were my sisters."
A husband and wife wake up in their bed. It is their 25th wedding anniversary.
The wife says, "Honey. Today is our 25th wedding anniversary. I want something special. Not the usual stuff, because this is our 25th."
The husband says, "Sweetie, if I can accommodate your wish, I will do so."
The wife says, "I want something that will go from zero to 150 in about 3.5 seconds."
The husband says, "Fine. I will get you a bathroom scale."
A man needs to go for a haircut and he asks his little daughter if she'd like to go with him. "Only if you get me something to eat for breakfast, Daddy," the little girl answers. The father agrees, knowing there is a Dunkin Donuts next to the barbershop.

He buys her something to eat and they go into the barbershop. While the man is getting his hair cut, his little daughter stands right next to him, eating. The barber looks down at her and says, "Sweetheart, you're going to get hair on your muffin."

The girl replies, "Yeah, and I'm gonna get tits, too!"
THE GUNFIGHTER


A young cowboy sitting in a honky-tonk saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been known as one of the fastest guns in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his own powerful ambition to become a great shooter. 

"Could you maybe give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun a bit too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg, and make sure it's tight.''

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Yep, sure will."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That is terrific!" shouted the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster right where the hammer hits it-- that'll give you a much smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"You bet it will, son," said the old-timer. 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm really learnin' somethin' here! Got any more tips?"  

The old man nodded slowly, and pointed to a large metal can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there?  Go over and coat your gun with it."

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.  

"No, no," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Well, no," said the old-timer with a wink, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing around on that piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and this way it ain't gonna hurt nearly as much…"
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.
quote:
Originally posted by Zeus:
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen
again.

The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.

ROTFLMAO.
quote:
Originally posted by DoktaP:
quote:
Originally posted by Zeus:
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen
again.

The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.

ROTFLMAO.


Winner
This thread needs bumping...

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home overcome with depression. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Señor Roy."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Roy; he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Roy."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Roy."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Roy.
She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE…………;
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
Rory McIlroy is driving his new Mercedes in a rural area on his way to Shoal Creek Country Club. He pulls off at a gas station. There are a couple country bumpkins sitting there, whittling wood and chewing tobacco.
As Rory gets out of the 450SL, some tees fall from his pocket onto the cement in the gas station. One of the Alabama crackers says, “Hey, kid. What the heck are those things?”
Rory says, “They are tees. When I am driving, they hold my balls up.”
The country bumpkin says, “Amazing. Those Mercedes folks think of everything.”
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says, “we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“Yeah, well, it’s like this….Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture, and comes with one of Ken's friends…”
A Scotsman wearing a kilt has too much to drink, and falls asleep due to effects of the alcohol.
Two women walk by and they wonder if it is true that a Scotsman doesn't wear any undergarment under his kilt. So, they creep up quietly and gently lift the bottom of the kilt. In fact, the Scotsman has nothing on under the kilt! One of the women, as a prank, ties a blue ribbon around his penis, and they then sneak away.
An hour later MacDougall awakes and decides that he has to go to the bathroom and, uncovering himself, discovers the ribbon!
He looks down and says: "I don't know where ya been, laddie, but ya took first place, ya did!"
quote:
Originally posted by irwin:
A Scotsman wearing a kilt has too much to drink, and falls asleep due to effects of the alcohol.
Two women walk by and they wonder if it is true that a Scotsman doesn't wear any undergarment under his kilt. So, they creep up quietly and gently lift the bottom of the kilt. In fact, the Scotsman has nothing on under the kilt! One of the women, as a prank, ties a blue ribbon around his penis, and they then sneak away.
An hour later MacDougall awakes and decides that he has to go to the bathroom and, uncovering himself, discovers the ribbon!
He looks down and says: "I don't know where ya been, laddie, but ya took first place, ya did!"


Nice, though I liked it better when you sang it for us that time: Under Scots' Kilt
I remember the time, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I had scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail, Lobster Patron, even Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

"No," she replied; "but Mom's not expecting a BJ tonight.”

I said, “Would you care for dessert?”
A man has passed away and is delivered to the local mortuary, and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
quote:
Originally posted by Rob_Sutherland:
A man has passed away and is delivered to the local mortuary, and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Oh wow! Big Grin
The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to conservative ideas about the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear assassination from Trump high hairers. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
quote:
Originally posted by Rob_Sutherland:
A man has passed away and is delivered to the local mortuary, and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


That's really not funny. How come I can't stop laughing?
Two businessmen sit down for dinner at a high end restaurant. The waiter comes over and asks
what they'd like to drink. The first guy says, "I'd just like a glass of water."
The waiter is a bit bummed out, because the higher the cost of dinner, the higher the tip, and he was hoping they'd buy an expensive bottle of wine......or at least a few glasses. The second guy says, "I'd also like a
glass of water, but, please....make sure the glass is clean." Now the waiter is really steamed.
The waiter comes back a bit later with two glasses of water on his tray and says to the customers, "Now.....which of you gentlemen ordered the clean glass?"
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:

A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.

He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?

The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!

Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.

PH
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:

A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.

He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?

The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!

Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.

PH


I have heard it with Wendy.
quote:
Originally posted by Merengue:
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:

A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.

He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?

The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!

Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.

PH


I have heard it with Wendy.


Yup. I used the wrong name.

PH
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
quote:
Originally posted by GlennK:
quote:
Originally posted by Board-O:
Still waiting for the punch line, Irwin!
really?


I think he's being kind, Glenn. I know both Board-O and I are quite fond of irwin, but the title of the thread is ... good jokes.

Razz

PH
hey, it made me chuckle. your jokes are good with me Irwin!
A little Accountant humor!

Fred is in the Hospital!

Who in the hell is Fred?
Well Fred is the guy who gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Fred replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Fred is in the
River Bend Hospital,
Critical Care Unit, Room 233!!!
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
quote:
Originally posted by Merengue:
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:

A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.

He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?

The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!

Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.

PH


I have heard it with Wendy.


Yup. I used the wrong name.

PH


Wanda, Wendy, the spelling still doesn't work out, either way.

Maybe make it a joke about Wednesday?
quote:
Originally posted by bomba503:
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper, all excited, says, "Really? You have a drink named Murray???"

Oldie, but goodie. Big Grin

Harlan Ellison told me that joke in 1976. True.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?” “I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. “That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now!” she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch I thanked her and said “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. ….”Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”



I replied, ………”Still under the cart, I guess.”
After his election, Donald Trump goes to Washington, DC for inspiration. He goes to the Washington monument, looks up at it and says, "President Washington-- you were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
Suddenly, he hears a voice..."I am George Washington, first President. My advice, Mr. Trump, is that you be honest always."
Trump says, "Thank you. I can do that."
He then goes to the Jefferson Memorial. He sees the statue of Jefferson there and says, "Tom. You were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
He hears the voice of Thomas Jefferson..."Mr. Trump. Remember. You should be a man of the people."
Trump says, "Thank you. I can do that."
Finally, he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. He sees the statue of the great Lincoln sitting there. He says, "Abe... You were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
Abraham Lincoln looks at Donald Trump and says, "Yes I can. My advice is..... Go to the theater".
My wife & I hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response...

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
quote:
Originally posted by Rob_Sutherland:
My wife & I hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response...

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


A snail goes into a police station. “I want to report that I was just beaten up by a turtle” says the snail.
“I’ll need to know everything that happened, what he looked like, etc.” says the cop, grabbing his notebook.
The snail says, “Gee....it happened so fast.”

A woman goes to the doctor.  She tells the doctor that her husband has lost all interest in her sexually and she is concerned and also in need of satisfaction. The doctor gives her some pills and says, "Put one of these in his coffee after dinner tonight. Then, do likewise the next few nights. Come back in a week."
The very next day the woman comes back to see the doctor. She enters the office, barely able to walk, with torn and tattered clothes, and scrapes on her neck and face. The doctor thinks "Malpractice!".... He invites the woman in to his office.

He says, "Mrs. Smith. I am terribly sorry." She says, "I am very pleased. You have nothing to be sorry for."  The doctor says, "What happened?"  She says, "well, you said to put a pill in his coffee after dinner. I figured if one pill would work, two would be better, and three even better. He drank his coffee, got this wild look in his face such as I have not seen for years, grabbed me, ripped my clothes off, threw me on the table, right among the dishes, and made wild and passionate love to me. It was great, and I thank you."
The doctor says, "But what about these side effects?  You can barely walk, your clothes are torn, and you have these scratch and scrape marks."


She says, "Not only that, doctor, but we've been banned from Bern's Steakhouse for a year!"

 

 

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