Have you heard any good jokes lately?

Heard a comedian the other day...."I really hurt myself really bad the other day......................I popped a zit......................found out later it was my nipple

That's more like...disgusting

Here's one....

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

quote:

Originally posted by Dick Tree:
Here's one....

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

Insert drum roll here.

A man walks into a bar...

Ouch.

quote:

Originally posted by Rothko:
A man walks into a bar...

Ouch.

Shortest joke in the world:

"So a seal walks into a club..."

Termite walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bar tender?"

Also . . .

UF football.

A drunk man staggers out of a New York bar one afternoon.

A nun in her habit walks by, and the drunk takes a huge swing and hits her right in the jaw.

He follows that up with a left hook and then a right hook to the face, then a couple solid body blows.

The nun goes down.

The drunk looks down at her as he is swaying and slurs....

"You're not so tough, Batman."

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?

Professional Courtesy.

I was recently fired from my job as a male masseuse. I guess that "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.

Note: Read this joke with an Irish accent.

A man walks up to the doorway of a pub, when suddenly a nun steps in his way.
"Sir, be off with you, now. Drinking of the demon rum is the surest way to hell. It will put all kinds of evil thoughts into your head, and turn from the rightous path!"
The man is quizzical, so he asks, "Sister, have you ever actually had a taste of fine, Irish whiskey?"
"No, I have never had a sip of the demon spirit, sir."
"Well then, Sister. How can you condem something you've never tried?"
The nun pauses for a bit, and then conceeds, "Well, sir, perhaps you're right. Perhaps you could bring me out a wee dram so I can see for meself. But if you could sir, please bring it out in a teacup, so as to maintain propriety?"
The man agrees and enters the pub, whereupon he asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. "But if you could barkeep, pour it into a teacup, please?"
The bartender explodes, "Jay-sus, Joseph, and Mary! It's that bloody nun again!"

Deanna Favre released a statement today. "The pictures Brett sent out were intended for me. In no way did he mean to deliver them into the hands of Jenn Sterger or anyone else but me, but you all know Brett-they were intercepted."

Some doosies!

Previously posted in another thread (somehow ignored ):

BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.

All of a sudden . . .POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have?? any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'

Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pu$$y willows.'

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'

A married couple is going to bed. There is some interest and they are each trying to make things happen.

Several minutes into things without any success, the husband asks his wife, you can't think of anyone else, either?

Rodney Dangerfield

I just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I'll tell you what - never again.
-- Tim Vine

My mate Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
-- Gary Delaney

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

I went to the zoo. All it had in it was one dog. It was a Shitzu.

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.
-- Tommy Cooper

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

A Chilean miner having sex his wife
for first time since release:
Miner: Can we switch the lights off?
Wife: Of course!
Miner: Can I have you from behind?
Wife: Anything you want my brave boy.
Miner: Can I call you Pedro?

Paddy, is driving around Dublin trying to find a place to park, as he is to meet his mate for a drink. He drives around and around, but can't find a bloody parking spot.

He finally looks to the heavens and says, "Lord, if you can help me find a parking place, I promise that I will attend mass every Sunday for the rest of me live and go to confession every month."

Paddy turns the corner, and there is an open spot.

He looks back to the heavens and says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one!"

Another Rodney.

My wife and I have sex doggy style....I beg and she rolls over and plays dead.