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THE GUNFIGHTER


A young cowboy sitting in a honky-tonk saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been known as one of the fastest guns in the West. The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his own powerful ambition to become a great shooter. 

"Could you maybe give me some tips?" he asked.

The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun a bit too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg, and make sure it's tight.''

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?"

"Yep, sure will."

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt .44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "That is terrific!" shouted the cowboy. "Got any more tips?"

"Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster right where the hammer hits it-- that'll give you a much smoother draw."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"You bet it will, son," said the old-timer. 

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player. "Wow!!" exclaimed the cowboy. "I'm really learnin' somethin' here! Got any more tips?"  

The old man nodded slowly, and pointed to a large metal can in a corner of the saloon. "See that axle grease over there?  Go over and coat your gun with it."

The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.  

"No, no," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all."

"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man.

"Well, no," said the old-timer with a wink, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing around on that piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your ass, and this way it ain't gonna hurt nearly as much…"
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again.

The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.
quote:
Originally posted by Zeus:
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen
again.

The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.

ROTFLMAO.
quote:
Originally posted by DoktaP:
quote:
Originally posted by Zeus:
A man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry, Bob. I have been riddled with guilt and have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night, when you're not around. I'm not getting it at home but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen
again.

The husband, feeling anguished and betrayed, walked in his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and
without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto correct......."wifi".....not wife.

ROTFLMAO.


Winner
This thread needs bumping...

Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this desire on his own.

A few weeks later, Bill returns home overcome with depression. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?"

"Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill -- I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, um, she got fired, too."
At dawn the telephone rings.
"Hello, Señor Roy? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."
"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?"
"Si, Señor, that's the one."
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
"From eating rotten meat, Señor Roy."
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
"Dead horse? What dead horse?"
"The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
"Yes, Señor Roy; he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
"Are you insane? What water cart?"
"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
"Yes, Señor Roy."
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
"For the funeral, Señor Roy."
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
"Your wife's, Señor Roy.
She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
SILENCE...........
LONG SILENCE.........
VERY LONG SILENCE…………;
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep shit."
Rory McIlroy is driving his new Mercedes in a rural area on his way to Shoal Creek Country Club. He pulls off at a gas station. There are a couple country bumpkins sitting there, whittling wood and chewing tobacco.
As Rory gets out of the 450SL, some tees fall from his pocket onto the cement in the gas station. One of the Alabama crackers says, “Hey, kid. What the heck are those things?”
Rory says, “They are tees. When I am driving, they hold my balls up.”
The country bumpkin says, “Amazing. Those Mercedes folks think of everything.”
A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter. So he asks the assistant, “How much is Barbie?”

“Well,” she says, “we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”

“Hey, hang on,” the guy asks, “why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”

“Yeah, well, it’s like this….Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture, and comes with one of Ken's friends…”
A Scotsman wearing a kilt has too much to drink, and falls asleep due to effects of the alcohol.
Two women walk by and they wonder if it is true that a Scotsman doesn't wear any undergarment under his kilt. So, they creep up quietly and gently lift the bottom of the kilt. In fact, the Scotsman has nothing on under the kilt! One of the women, as a prank, ties a blue ribbon around his penis, and they then sneak away.
An hour later MacDougall awakes and decides that he has to go to the bathroom and, uncovering himself, discovers the ribbon!
He looks down and says: "I don't know where ya been, laddie, but ya took first place, ya did!"
quote:
Originally posted by irwin:
A Scotsman wearing a kilt has too much to drink, and falls asleep due to effects of the alcohol.
Two women walk by and they wonder if it is true that a Scotsman doesn't wear any undergarment under his kilt. So, they creep up quietly and gently lift the bottom of the kilt. In fact, the Scotsman has nothing on under the kilt! One of the women, as a prank, ties a blue ribbon around his penis, and they then sneak away.
An hour later MacDougall awakes and decides that he has to go to the bathroom and, uncovering himself, discovers the ribbon!
He looks down and says: "I don't know where ya been, laddie, but ya took first place, ya did!"


Nice, though I liked it better when you sang it for us that time: Under Scots' Kilt
I remember the time, when I was considerably younger, I picked up a lovely date at her parents' home.

I had scraped together some money to take her to a fancy restaurant.

She ordered the most expensive items on the menu: Shrimp cocktail, Lobster Patron, even Champagne.

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?”

"No," she replied; "but Mom's not expecting a BJ tonight.”

I said, “Would you care for dessert?”
A man has passed away and is delivered to the local mortuary, and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'
quote:
Originally posted by Rob_Sutherland:
A man has passed away and is delivered to the local mortuary, and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

Oh wow! Big Grin
The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to conservative ideas about the Constitution.

Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.

Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.

"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."

When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear assassination from Trump high hairers. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.

In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.

Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
quote:
Originally posted by Rob_Sutherland:
A man has passed away and is delivered to the local mortuary, and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'


That's really not funny. How come I can't stop laughing?
Two businessmen sit down for dinner at a high end restaurant. The waiter comes over and asks
what they'd like to drink. The first guy says, "I'd just like a glass of water."
The waiter is a bit bummed out, because the higher the cost of dinner, the higher the tip, and he was hoping they'd buy an expensive bottle of wine......or at least a few glasses. The second guy says, "I'd also like a
glass of water, but, please....make sure the glass is clean." Now the waiter is really steamed.
The waiter comes back a bit later with two glasses of water on his tray and says to the customers, "Now.....which of you gentlemen ordered the clean glass?"
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:

A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.

He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?

The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!

Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.

PH
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:

A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.

He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?

The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!

Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.

PH


I have heard it with Wendy.
quote:
Originally posted by Merengue:
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:

A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.

He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?

The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!

Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.

PH


I have heard it with Wendy.


Yup. I used the wrong name.

PH
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
quote:
Originally posted by GlennK:
quote:
Originally posted by Board-O:
Still waiting for the punch line, Irwin!
really?


I think he's being kind, Glenn. I know both Board-O and I are quite fond of irwin, but the title of the thread is ... good jokes.

Razz

PH
hey, it made me chuckle. your jokes are good with me Irwin!
A little Accountant humor!

Fred is in the Hospital!

Who in the hell is Fred?
Well Fred is the guy who gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Fred replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Fred is in the
River Bend Hospital,
Critical Care Unit, Room 233!!!
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
quote:
Originally posted by Merengue:
quote:
Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:

A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.

He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?

The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!

Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.

PH


I have heard it with Wendy.


Yup. I used the wrong name.

PH


Wanda, Wendy, the spelling still doesn't work out, either way.

Maybe make it a joke about Wednesday?
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?” “I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.

She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. “That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”

“Oh, come on now!” she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch I thanked her and said “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”

“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. ….”Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”



I replied, ………”Still under the cart, I guess.”
After his election, Donald Trump goes to Washington, DC for inspiration. He goes to the Washington monument, looks up at it and says, "President Washington-- you were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
Suddenly, he hears a voice..."I am George Washington, first President. My advice, Mr. Trump, is that you be honest always."
Trump says, "Thank you. I can do that."
He then goes to the Jefferson Memorial. He sees the statue of Jefferson there and says, "Tom. You were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
He hears the voice of Thomas Jefferson..."Mr. Trump. Remember. You should be a man of the people."
Trump says, "Thank you. I can do that."
Finally, he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. He sees the statue of the great Lincoln sitting there. He says, "Abe... You were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
Abraham Lincoln looks at Donald Trump and says, "Yes I can. My advice is..... Go to the theater".
My wife & I hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response...

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
quote:
Originally posted by Rob_Sutherland:
My wife & I hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response...

The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."


A woman goes to the doctor.  She tells the doctor that her husband has lost all interest in her sexually and she is concerned and also in need of satisfaction. The doctor gives her some pills and says, "Put one of these in his coffee after dinner tonight. Then, do likewise the next few nights. Come back in a week."
The very next day the woman comes back to see the doctor. She enters the office, barely able to walk, with torn and tattered clothes, and scrapes on her neck and face. The doctor thinks "Malpractice!".... He invites the woman in to his office.

He says, "Mrs. Smith. I am terribly sorry." She says, "I am very pleased. You have nothing to be sorry for."  The doctor says, "What happened?"  She says, "well, you said to put a pill in his coffee after dinner. I figured if one pill would work, two would be better, and three even better. He drank his coffee, got this wild look in his face such as I have not seen for years, grabbed me, ripped my clothes off, threw me on the table, right among the dishes, and made wild and passionate love to me. It was great, and I thank you."
The doctor says, "But what about these side effects?  You can barely walk, your clothes are torn, and you have these scratch and scrape marks."


She says, "Not only that, doctor, but we've been banned from Bern's Steakhouse for a year!"

 

 

bump

Plane with 5 passengers on board, President Trump, the Pope, Dr Anthony Fauci , Joe Biden, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there  are only 4 parachutes.

Dr Fauci, said “I need one. I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

The pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

Trump said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest man in the USA.” He takes one and jumps.

Biden said to the ten year old "you can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting". The 10 year old said "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag."

An 85 year old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow."  The next day, the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained "Well doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.  We even called up Gertrude, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit.  She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked.  "You asked your neighbor?  Oh my gosh!"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar open."

A man takes his wife to get tested for COVID-19.  When he gets home, he gets a call from the lab.  The doctor says "I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's.  We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's."   The man says "So what am I supposed to do?"  The doctor says "Take her for a long walk and leave her.  Is she finds her way back home, don't open the door."

Rothko posted:

A man takes his wife to get tested for COVID-19.  When he gets home, he gets a call from the lab.  The doctor says "I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's.  We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's."   The man says "So what am I supposed to do?"  The doctor says "Take her for a long walk and leave her.  Is she finds her way back home, don't open the door."

Another oldie but goodie recycled for current times.  The "original" version substituted AIDS for Covid19.  The punchline, "If she finds her way back home, don't fuck her."

PH

LEMON PICKERS NEEDED IN FLORIDA -- ONLY U.S. CITIZENS OR LEGAL IMMIGRANTS NEED APPLY

Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read an ad in the newspaper for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do., and decided to apply.

She submitted to a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master's degree from Michigan State University.

For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher. The foreman studied her application, frowned and said, "I see you are well-educated, and have an impressive resume. However, I must ask whether you have any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Trump."

She started work yesterday.

Here is a tough choice..........
THE SITUATION: You are in Miami with chaos all around you caused by a hurricane. There is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
 THE TEST: Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks like...Good Heavens it's President Trump. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
 
YOU HAVE TWO OPTIONS:
You can save the life of President Trump OR you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the last minutes of one of the world's most powerful men.
 
 THE QUESTION:
Would you:
A) select high contrast color film,
or...
B) go with the classic simplicity of black and white.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.
Minutes passed and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.

Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the Dr Fauci, *"How many people is a brazillion?"

A sommelier is hosting a blind tasting.  A man comes in who claims expertise in blind tasting and so forth.  The man is on the obnoxious side.

The somm decides to test him.  He pours a sparkling wine. The man tastes it and says, "This is easy. This is the 2002 Dom Perignon. It's one of my favorites." Damn, thinks the somm. This guy is really good.  He nailed it.

Next, the somm pours a white wine.  The man looks at it and swirls it about, and sniffs the wine and, without tasting it,  says, "I know this wine. It is a 1976 Graacher Himmelreich Spatlese." Damn, thinks the somm, this guy is really good. He nailed it.  The obnoxious guy says, "Well, what do you expect? It's one of my favorite Reislings."

The somm pours a red wine.  The man swirls it about. He sniffs. He tastes.  He says, "I know this wine. This is the 2010 CVNE Gran Reserva from Rioja." It's one of my favorite tempranillos."  Damn, thinks the somm. He nailed it again.

After a few more tastings, the man is becoming more obnoxious. He says to the somm, "Don't you have anything obscure? This is no test."  The somm says, "Wait right here. I have something in the back room."  The somm grabs a stem, heads to the back room, and urinates into the glass.  He adds some crushed ice to cool off the liquid.  A little more ice, it melts and he's ready. The somm returns and places the glass in front of the obnoxious taster.

The man looks at the glass warily. Swirls it around. Takes a sniff. His eyebrow goes up.  He takes a taste, and immediately spits it out. "This tastes like watered down piss!"  The somm looks at him and says, "Yes, right again.  But whose and what vintage?"

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

A truck pulls up in front of a jewelry store in Manhattan.  Out comes an elephant who approaches the plate glass window of the store, smashes it with his foot, and with his trunk, sucks up many pieces of expensive jewelry. The elephant gets back in the truck and the truck zooms away. The police are called.

The proprietor tells the above to the cop.  The cop says, “Can you give me a description of the elephant?”  “A description?” says the proprietor.  “It was a big damn elephant. A trunk. It was gray.”  The cop says, “Well, was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?”
The proprietor says, “How should I know? What is the difference?”  The cop explains, “The Indian elephants are the ones with the small ears, but the African elephants have huge floppy ears.  Now, which was it? An African elephant or an Indian elephant?”
The proprietor says, “I don’t know.  He was wearing a mask.”

@brucehayes posted:

I apologize to napacat and everyone else on this board for my ill-advised reply, which has now been deleted.

Feeding.

Could it have been any worse than saying a member is a child abuser because he's planning on having his children vaccinated?  Could there be a bigger display of ignorance than this statement? "A healthy child absolutely does not need to be injected with ANY [emphasis mine] vaccine."

Last edited by The Old Man

Subject: The Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $5."

The Taliban terrorist shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel!  I do not need such an over-priced western adornment.  I spit on your ties.  I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh!  A curse on your ties!  I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but, I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man.  “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel.  I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.  It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need.  Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”

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