Skip to main content

A woman goes to the doctor.  She tells the doctor that her husband has lost all interest in her sexually and she is concerned and also in need of satisfaction. The doctor gives her some pills and says, "Put one of these in his coffee after dinner tonight. Then, do likewise the next few nights. Come back in a week."
The very next day the woman comes back to see the doctor. She enters the office, barely able to walk, with torn and tattered clothes, and scrapes on her neck and face. The doctor thinks "Malpractice!".... He invites the woman in to his office.

He says, "Mrs. Smith. I am terribly sorry." She says, "I am very pleased. You have nothing to be sorry for."  The doctor says, "What happened?"  She says, "well, you said to put a pill in his coffee after dinner. I figured if one pill would work, two would be better, and three even better. He drank his coffee, got this wild look in his face such as I have not seen for years, grabbed me, ripped my clothes off, threw me on the table, right among the dishes, and made wild and passionate love to me. It was great, and I thank you."
The doctor says, "But what about these side effects?  You can barely walk, your clothes are torn, and you have these scratch and scrape marks."

She says, "Not only that, doctor, but we've been banned from Bern's Steakhouse for a year!"




Plane with 5 passengers on board, President Trump, the Pope, Dr Anthony Fauci , Joe Biden, and a ten year old school girl. The plane is about to crash and there  are only 4 parachutes.

Dr Fauci, said “I need one. I have to help develop a cure for the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

The pope said “I need one, I have to help spiritually guide people through the global health crisis that is COVID19!” He takes one and jumps.

Trump said ‘‘I need one, I’m the smartest man in the USA.” He takes one and jumps.

Biden said to the ten year old "you can have the last parachute. I've lived my life, yours is only starting". The 10 year old said "Don’t worry, there are 2 parachutes left. The smartest man in the USA took my school bag."

An 85 year old man had to do a sperm count for his physical exam.  The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this home and bring back a sample tomorrow."  The next day, the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.  The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained "Well doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.  Then I tried with my left hand but still nothing.  Then I asked my wife for help.  She tried with her right hand, and then her left, still nothing.  She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.  We even called up Gertrude, the lady next door, and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit.  She even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."  The doctor was shocked.  "You asked your neighbor?  Oh my gosh!"  The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get that jar open."

A man takes his wife to get tested for COVID-19.  When he gets home, he gets a call from the lab.  The doctor says "I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's.  We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's."   The man says "So what am I supposed to do?"  The doctor says "Take her for a long walk and leave her.  Is she finds her way back home, don't open the door."

Rothko posted:

A man takes his wife to get tested for COVID-19.  When he gets home, he gets a call from the lab.  The doctor says "I'm sorry to inform you that your wife's test results were mixed up with another patient's.  We're not sure if she has COVID-19 or Alzheimer's."   The man says "So what am I supposed to do?"  The doctor says "Take her for a long walk and leave her.  Is she finds her way back home, don't open the door."

Another oldie but goodie recycled for current times.  The "original" version substituted AIDS for Covid19.  The punchline, "If she finds her way back home, don't fuck her."



Sally Mulligan of Coral Springs , Florida, read an ad in the newspaper for one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do., and decided to apply.

She submitted to a Florida lemon grove, but seemed far too qualified for the job.

She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan, and a master's degree from Michigan State University.

For a number of years, she had worked as a social worker, and also as a school teacher. The foreman studied her application, frowned and said, "I see you are well-educated, and have an impressive resume. However, I must ask whether you have any actual experience in picking lemons?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Chryslers, and voted for Trump."

She started work yesterday.

Here is a tough choice..........
THE SITUATION: You are in Miami with chaos all around you caused by a hurricane. There is a flood of biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. You're trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water.
 THE TEST: Suddenly you see a man in the water. He is fighting for his life trying not to be taken down with the debris.
You move closer. Somehow the man looks like...Good Heavens it's President Trump. At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever.
You can save the life of President Trump OR you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the last minutes of one of the world's most powerful men.
Would you:
A) select high contrast color film,
B) go with the classic simplicity of black and white.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face and to everyone’s amazement he collapsed on the floor.
Minutes passed and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at this display of emotion from their President, nervously watching as he sits, head in hands, waiting for him to faint again.

Finally, the President looks up and with a shaky quivering voice asks the Dr Fauci, *"How many people is a brazillion?"

A sommelier is hosting a blind tasting.  A man comes in who claims expertise in blind tasting and so forth.  The man is on the obnoxious side.

The somm decides to test him.  He pours a sparkling wine. The man tastes it and says, "This is easy. This is the 2002 Dom Perignon. It's one of my favorites." Damn, thinks the somm. This guy is really good.  He nailed it.

Next, the somm pours a white wine.  The man looks at it and swirls it about, and sniffs the wine and, without tasting it,  says, "I know this wine. It is a 1976 Graacher Himmelreich Spatlese." Damn, thinks the somm, this guy is really good. He nailed it.  The obnoxious guy says, "Well, what do you expect? It's one of my favorite Reislings."

The somm pours a red wine.  The man swirls it about. He sniffs. He tastes.  He says, "I know this wine. This is the 2010 CVNE Gran Reserva from Rioja." It's one of my favorite tempranillos."  Damn, thinks the somm. He nailed it again.

After a few more tastings, the man is becoming more obnoxious. He says to the somm, "Don't you have anything obscure? This is no test."  The somm says, "Wait right here. I have something in the back room."  The somm grabs a stem, heads to the back room, and urinates into the glass.  He adds some crushed ice to cool off the liquid.  A little more ice, it melts and he's ready. The somm returns and places the glass in front of the obnoxious taster.

The man looks at the glass warily. Swirls it around. Takes a sniff. His eyebrow goes up.  He takes a taste, and immediately spits it out. "This tastes like watered down piss!"  The somm looks at him and says, "Yes, right again.  But whose and what vintage?"

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord." He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion. As he comes closer to the lion, he hears it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive."

A truck pulls up in front of a jewelry store in Manhattan.  Out comes an elephant who approaches the plate glass window of the store, smashes it with his foot, and with his trunk, sucks up many pieces of expensive jewelry. The elephant gets back in the truck and the truck zooms away. The police are called.

The proprietor tells the above to the cop.  The cop says, “Can you give me a description of the elephant?”  “A description?” says the proprietor.  “It was a big damn elephant. A trunk. It was gray.”  The cop says, “Well, was it an Indian elephant or an African elephant?”
The proprietor says, “How should I know? What is the difference?”  The cop explains, “The Indian elephants are the ones with the small ears, but the African elephants have huge floppy ears.  Now, which was it? An African elephant or an Indian elephant?”
The proprietor says, “I don’t know.  He was wearing a mask.”

@brucehayes posted:

I apologize to napacat and everyone else on this board for my ill-advised reply, which has now been deleted.


Could it have been any worse than saying a member is a child abuser because he's planning on having his children vaccinated?  Could there be a bigger display of ignorance than this statement? "A healthy child absolutely does not need to be injected with ANY [emphasis mine] vaccine."

Last edited by The Old Man

Subject: The Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water.  Would you like to buy a tie?  They are only $5."

The Taliban terrorist shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel!  I do not need such an over-priced western adornment.  I spit on your ties.  I need water!”

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5."

"Pahh!  A curse on your ties!  I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but, I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man.  “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel.  I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.  If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant.  It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need.  Go In Peace."

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!”

Add Reply

Link copied to your clipboard.