A man has passed away and is delivered to the local mortuary, and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
quote:Originally posted by Rob_Sutherland:
A man has passed away and is delivered to the local mortuary, and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
Oh wow!
Very honest mortician...
The flood of Trump-fearing American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada has intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to stop the illegal immigration. The Republican Presidential primary campaign is prompting an exodus among left leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to hunt, pray, and live according to conservative ideas about the Constitution.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear assassination from Trump high hairers. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology professors, global warming activists, and "green" energy proponents crossing their fields at night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Southern Manitoba farmer Red Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. “The producer was cold, exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left before I even got a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?" In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher fences, but the liberals scaled them. He then installed loudspeakers that blared Rush Limbaugh across the fields, but they just keep coming.
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals near the Canadian border, pack them into electric cars and drive them across the border where they are simply left to fend for themselves after the battery dies.
"A lot of these people are not prepared for our rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman said. "I found one carload without a single bottle of Perrier drinking water. They did have a nice little Napa Valley cabernet, though, and some kale chips."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often wailing loudly that they fear assassination from Trump high hairers. Rumors have been circulating about plans being made to build re-education camps where liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and study the Constitution.
In recent days, liberals have turned to ingenious ways of crossing the border. Some have been disguised as senior citizens taking a bus trip to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a half-dozen young vegans in blue-hair wig disguises, Canadian immigration authorities began stopping buses and quizzing the supposed senior citizens about Perry Como and Rosemary Clooney to prove that they were alive in the '50s. "If they can't identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we become very suspicious about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are creating an organic-broccoli shortage, buying up all the Barbara Streisand c.d.'s, and renting all the Michael Moore movies. "I really feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy just can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history majors does one country need?"
quote:Originally posted by Rob_Sutherland:
A man has passed away and is delivered to the local mortuary, and he's wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.
The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed, pointing out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'
The woman returns the next day and to her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'
To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with the blank check, 'There's no charge.'
'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit,' she says.
'Honestly, ma'am,' the mortician says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'
'So I just switched the heads.'
That's really not funny. How come I can't stop laughing?
a blonde was driving a car, when she heard 2 brazillians died, she turns to her passenger crying hysterically and asks "wait, how many is a brazillian"
Today, President Obama is supposed to pardon two turkeys in the annual pre-Thanksgiving White House event. If he announces a Presidential pardon for Hillary Clinton as well,
that would be three turkeys.
that would be three turkeys.
Two businessmen sit down for dinner at a high end restaurant. The waiter comes over and asks
what they'd like to drink. The first guy says, "I'd just like a glass of water."
The waiter is a bit bummed out, because the higher the cost of dinner, the higher the tip, and he was hoping they'd buy an expensive bottle of wine......or at least a few glasses. The second guy says, "I'd also like a
glass of water, but, please....make sure the glass is clean." Now the waiter is really steamed.
The waiter comes back a bit later with two glasses of water on his tray and says to the customers, "Now.....which of you gentlemen ordered the clean glass?"
what they'd like to drink. The first guy says, "I'd just like a glass of water."
The waiter is a bit bummed out, because the higher the cost of dinner, the higher the tip, and he was hoping they'd buy an expensive bottle of wine......or at least a few glasses. The second guy says, "I'd also like a
glass of water, but, please....make sure the glass is clean." Now the waiter is really steamed.
The waiter comes back a bit later with two glasses of water on his tray and says to the customers, "Now.....which of you gentlemen ordered the clean glass?"
Still waiting for the punch line, Irwin! 
really?quote:Originally posted by Board-O:
Still waiting for the punch line, Irwin!
No, not really
quote:Originally posted by GlennK:really?quote:Originally posted by Board-O:
Still waiting for the punch line, Irwin!
I think he's being kind, Glenn. I know both Board-O and I are quite fond of irwin, but the title of the thread is ... good jokes.
PH
BINGO! 
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:
A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.
He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?
The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!
Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.
PH
A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.
He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?
The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!
Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.
PH
Two large guys are driving over a bridge when they both feel the need to urinate. Since there's nobody around, they stop on the bridge and start to urinate. One says to the other, "This water is cold!" The other guy replies, "And deep!"
PH and Board-O: And you criticize my joke?
so happy that you are both my friends!
so happy that you are both my friends!
quote:Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:
A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.
He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?
The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!
Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.
PH
I have heard it with Wendy.
quote:Originally posted by Merengue:quote:Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:
A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.
He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?
The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!
Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.
PH
I have heard it with Wendy.
Yup. I used the wrong name.
PH
Not a joke, but that reminds me of Kelsey Grammer's navy character in Down Periscope, who reportedly had a tattoo on his schwanz that said, "Welcome aboard".
That still makes me laugh.
That still makes me laugh.
hey, it made me chuckle. your jokes are good with me Irwin!quote:Originally posted by PurpleHaze:quote:Originally posted by GlennK:really?quote:Originally posted by Board-O:
Still waiting for the punch line, Irwin!
I think he's being kind, Glenn. I know both Board-O and I are quite fond of irwin, but the title of the thread is ... good jokes.
PH
You are a marvelous judge of talent, GlennK!
A little Accountant humor!
Fred is in the Hospital!
Who in the hell is Fred?
Well Fred is the guy who gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Fred replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Fred is in the
River Bend Hospital,
Critical Care Unit, Room 233!!!
Fred is in the Hospital!
Who in the hell is Fred?
Well Fred is the guy who gets home late one night and Marilyn his wife, says "Where the hell have you been?"
Fred replies "I was out getting a tattoo!"
"A tattoo"? She frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"
"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates" he said proudly.
"What the hell were you thinking"? She said, shaking her head in disgust. "Why on earth would a Certified Public Accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?"
"Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
Two, once in a while I like to play with my money.
Three, I like how money feels in my hand.
And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want."
Fred is in the
River Bend Hospital,
Critical Care Unit, Room 233!!!
quote:Originally posted by PurpleHaze:quote:Originally posted by Merengue:quote:Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
And... at the mild risk of being un-PC, I offer this one:
A Norwegian tourist gets off a long plane flight to Jamaica. He immediately makes a beeline to the restroom. While standing at the urinal, he can't help but take a glimpse over the partition where a large local gentleman is also relieving himself.
He strikes up a conversation with him. "I couldn't help but noticing the tattoo you have on your *****. I have the same one! Is your wife named Wanda too?
The local gentleman smiles and responds, "Nah, mon. My tattoo says Welcome to Jamaica Have A Nice Day!
Hate me if you must, but I still laugh at this one.
PH
I have heard it with Wendy.
Yup. I used the wrong name.
PH
Wanda, Wendy, the spelling still doesn't work out, either way.
Maybe make it a joke about Wednesday?
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper, all excited, says, "Really? You have a drink named Murray???"
quote:Originally posted by bomba503:
A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, "Hey, we have a drink named after you!" And the grasshopper, all excited, says, "Really? You have a drink named Murray???"
Oldie, but goodie.
Harlan Ellison told me that joke in 1976. True.
While golfing, I accidentally overturned my golf cart. A very attractive golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, “Are you okay?” “I’m okay, thanks,” I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. “That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now!” she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch I thanked her and said “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. ….”Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
I replied, ………”Still under the cart, I guess.”
She said, “Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later.” I noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. “That’s mighty nice of you,” I answered, “but I don’t think my wife would like it.”
“Oh, come on now!” she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. I was weak. “Well okay,” I finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch I thanked her and said “I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now.”
“Don’t be silly!” she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. ….”Stay for a while. She won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?”
I replied, ………”Still under the cart, I guess.”
The White House just issued a new staff dress code. Only requirement is that it look good from under a bus.
quote:Originally posted by indybob:
The White House just issued a new staff dress code. Only requirement is that it look good from under a bus.
quote:Originally posted by indybob:
The White House just issued a new staff dress code. Only requirement is that it look good from under a bus.
IB, better have numerous buses!
After his election, Donald Trump goes to Washington, DC for inspiration. He goes to the Washington monument, looks up at it and says, "President Washington-- you were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
Suddenly, he hears a voice..."I am George Washington, first President. My advice, Mr. Trump, is that you be honest always."
Trump says, "Thank you. I can do that."
He then goes to the Jefferson Memorial. He sees the statue of Jefferson there and says, "Tom. You were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
He hears the voice of Thomas Jefferson..."Mr. Trump. Remember. You should be a man of the people."
Trump says, "Thank you. I can do that."
Finally, he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. He sees the statue of the great Lincoln sitting there. He says, "Abe... You were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
Abraham Lincoln looks at Donald Trump and says, "Yes I can. My advice is..... Go to the theater".
Suddenly, he hears a voice..."I am George Washington, first President. My advice, Mr. Trump, is that you be honest always."
Trump says, "Thank you. I can do that."
He then goes to the Jefferson Memorial. He sees the statue of Jefferson there and says, "Tom. You were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
He hears the voice of Thomas Jefferson..."Mr. Trump. Remember. You should be a man of the people."
Trump says, "Thank you. I can do that."
Finally, he goes to the Lincoln Memorial. He sees the statue of the great Lincoln sitting there. He says, "Abe... You were a great President. Can you tell me some advice to help me make America great again?"
Abraham Lincoln looks at Donald Trump and says, "Yes I can. My advice is..... Go to the theater".
My wife & I hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response...
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response...
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
quote:Originally posted by Rob_Sutherland:
My wife & I hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.
All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat opposite her.
The girl could hardly eat her food for staring.
I checked my shirt for spots, felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.
Finally I asked her, "Why are you staring at me?"
Everyone at the table had noticed her behaviour, and the table went quiet, waiting for her response...
The little girl said, "I'm just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."
A snail goes into a police station. “I want to report that I was just beaten up by a turtle” says the snail.
“I’ll need to know everything that happened, what he looked like, etc.” says the cop, grabbing his notebook.
The snail says, “Gee....it happened so fast.”
“I’ll need to know everything that happened, what he looked like, etc.” says the cop, grabbing his notebook.
The snail says, “Gee....it happened so fast.”
The only person Trump ever hired that was actually qualified was Stormy Daniels!
pun enters room, kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
g-man posted:pun enters room, kills ten people.
Pun in, ten dead.
That is amazing.
Dad joke of the day:
Why aren’t koalas considered bears?
They lack the proper koalafications.
Did you hear about the explosion which leveled the French cheese factory?
All that was left was de brie
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn’t.
Two antennas fell in love and decided to get married. The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was terrific.