Come on, we all need a laugh.
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Heard a comedian the other day...."I really hurt myself really bad the other day......................I popped a zit......................found out later it was my nipple
That's more like...disgusting
Here's one....
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
quote:Originally posted by Dick Tree:
Here's one....
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"
Insert drum roll here.
A man walks into a bar...
Ouch.
Ouch.
quote:Originally posted by Rothko:
A man walks into a bar...
Ouch.
Shortest joke in the world:
"So a seal walks into a club..."
Termite walks into a bar and asks "Where's the bar tender?"
Also . . .
UF football.
Also . . .
UF football.
A drunk man staggers out of a New York bar one afternoon.
A nun in her habit walks by, and the drunk takes a huge swing and hits her right in the jaw.
He follows that up with a left hook and then a right hook to the face, then a couple solid body blows.
The nun goes down.
The drunk looks down at her as he is swaying and slurs....
"You're not so tough, Batman."
A nun in her habit walks by, and the drunk takes a huge swing and hits her right in the jaw.
He follows that up with a left hook and then a right hook to the face, then a couple solid body blows.
The nun goes down.
The drunk looks down at her as he is swaying and slurs....
"You're not so tough, Batman."
Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional Courtesy.
Professional Courtesy.
I was recently fired from my job as a male masseuse. I guess that "finish off on her face" didn't mean what I thought it did.
Note: Read this joke with an Irish accent.
A man walks up to the doorway of a pub, when suddenly a nun steps in his way.
"Sir, be off with you, now. Drinking of the demon rum is the surest way to hell. It will put all kinds of evil thoughts into your head, and turn from the rightous path!"
The man is quizzical, so he asks, "Sister, have you ever actually had a taste of fine, Irish whiskey?"
"No, I have never had a sip of the demon spirit, sir."
"Well then, Sister. How can you condem something you've never tried?"
The nun pauses for a bit, and then conceeds, "Well, sir, perhaps you're right. Perhaps you could bring me out a wee dram so I can see for meself. But if you could sir, please bring it out in a teacup, so as to maintain propriety?"
The man agrees and enters the pub, whereupon he asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. "But if you could barkeep, pour it into a teacup, please?"
The bartender explodes, "Jay-sus, Joseph, and Mary! It's that bloody nun again!"
A man walks up to the doorway of a pub, when suddenly a nun steps in his way.
"Sir, be off with you, now. Drinking of the demon rum is the surest way to hell. It will put all kinds of evil thoughts into your head, and turn from the rightous path!"
The man is quizzical, so he asks, "Sister, have you ever actually had a taste of fine, Irish whiskey?"
"No, I have never had a sip of the demon spirit, sir."
"Well then, Sister. How can you condem something you've never tried?"
The nun pauses for a bit, and then conceeds, "Well, sir, perhaps you're right. Perhaps you could bring me out a wee dram so I can see for meself. But if you could sir, please bring it out in a teacup, so as to maintain propriety?"
The man agrees and enters the pub, whereupon he asks the bartender for a shot of whiskey. "But if you could barkeep, pour it into a teacup, please?"
The bartender explodes, "Jay-sus, Joseph, and Mary! It's that bloody nun again!"
Deanna Favre released a statement today. "The pictures Brett sent out were intended for me. In no way did he mean to deliver them into the hands of Jenn Sterger or anyone else but me, but you all know Brett-they were intercepted."
Previously posted in another thread (somehow ignored 
):
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have?? any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! . . . she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pu$$y willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
):BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS
Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.
All of a sudden . . .POOF!!
In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared. She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life... As a matter of fact, you'll never have?? any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!
Then POOF! . . . she was gone!
After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where are you?'
Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the pu$$y willows.'
Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, FRED, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!!!'
A married couple is going to bed. There is some interest and they are each trying to make things happen.
Several minutes into things without any success, the husband asks his wife, you can't think of anyone else, either?
Rodney Dangerfield
Several minutes into things without any success, the husband asks his wife, you can't think of anyone else, either?
Rodney Dangerfield
I just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I'll tell you what - never again.
-- Tim Vine
My mate Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
-- Gary Delaney
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
I went to the zoo. All it had in it was one dog. It was a Shitzu.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.
-- Tommy Cooper
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
-- Tim Vine
My mate Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
-- Gary Delaney
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
I went to the zoo. All it had in it was one dog. It was a Shitzu.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.
-- Tommy Cooper
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
A Chilean miner having sex his wife
for first time since release:
Miner: Can we switch the lights off?
Wife: Of course!
Miner: Can I have you from behind?
Wife: Anything you want my brave boy.
Miner: Can I call you Pedro?
for first time since release:
Miner: Can we switch the lights off?
Wife: Of course!
Miner: Can I have you from behind?
Wife: Anything you want my brave boy.
Miner: Can I call you Pedro?
Paddy, is driving around Dublin trying to find a place to park, as he is to meet his mate for a drink. He drives around and around, but can't find a bloody parking spot.
He finally looks to the heavens and says, "Lord, if you can help me find a parking place, I promise that I will attend mass every Sunday for the rest of me live and go to confession every month."
Paddy turns the corner, and there is an open spot.
He looks back to the heavens and says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one!"
He finally looks to the heavens and says, "Lord, if you can help me find a parking place, I promise that I will attend mass every Sunday for the rest of me live and go to confession every month."
Paddy turns the corner, and there is an open spot.
He looks back to the heavens and says, "Never mind, Lord, I found one!"
Another Rodney.
My wife and I have sex doggy style....I beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
My wife and I have sex doggy style....I beg and she rolls over and plays dead.
A woman asks her doctor one day in the office and in all seriousness, 'can I get pregnant from anal sex>?'
Well of course you can he answered, where do you think lawyers come from?
Well of course you can he answered, where do you think lawyers come from?
Jumper cable walks in a bar.
Barman says "Don't you start anything!"
Barman says "Don't you start anything!"
Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Jewish mother
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
A: Eventually, the Rottweiler lets go.
Southern Ingenuity
One morning 3 South Georgia good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Albany train station heading to Athens for a big football game.
The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.
When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.
When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war...
One morning 3 South Georgia good old boys and 3 Yankees were in a ticket line at the Albany train station heading to Athens for a big football game.
The 3 Northerners each bought a ticket and watched as the 3 Southerners bought just one ticket among them.
"How are the 3 of you going to travel on one 1 ticket?" asked one of the Yankees.
"Watch and learn" answered one of the boys from the South.
When the 6 travelers boarded the train, the 3 Yankees sat down, but the 3 Southerners crammed into a bathroom together and closed the door.
Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around to collect tickets.
He knocked on the bathroom door and said, "tickets please." the door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The Conductor took it and moved on.
The Yankees saw this happen and agreed it was quite a clever idea.. Indeed, so clever that they decided to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
That evening after the game when they got to the Charlotte train station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip while to their astonishment the 3 Southerners didn't buy even 1 ticket.
"How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one of the perplexed Yankees.
"Watch and learn", answered one of the Southern boys.
When they boarded the train the 3 Northerners crammed themselves into a bathroom and the 3 Southerners crammed themselves into the other bathroom across from it.
Shortly after the train began to move, one of the Southerners left their bathroom and walked quietly over to the Yankee's bathroom. He knocked on the door and said "ticket please".
There's just no way on God's green earth to explain how the Yankees won the war...
grandson goes up to grandma and says ..
"Grandma, what's that thing called when one person lays on top of the other person in bed?"
Grandma, ponders the age of her grandson, but finally decides that kids these days know everything so replies "it's called intercourse, and that's how you came about"
So the grandson happily runs off.
Later in the day, the grandson comes back and says "Grandma, Sam's mother says it's a bunk bed and she'd like a word with you"
"Grandma, what's that thing called when one person lays on top of the other person in bed?"
Grandma, ponders the age of her grandson, but finally decides that kids these days know everything so replies "it's called intercourse, and that's how you came about"
So the grandson happily runs off.
Later in the day, the grandson comes back and says "Grandma, Sam's mother says it's a bunk bed and she'd like a word with you"
A woman goes to her doc for her weekly checkup and decides to strike up some conversation.
"Doctor, you know that saying that women's fart don't smell nor make any noise?, Well it's true! Matter of fact, ever since I came in here I farted like 20 times already"
The doc furrows his brows and says "Here, try these and come back next week"
The woman comes back next week enraged and says "DOC WHAT DID YOU DO? My farts are still silent but they stink to high hell now!!!"
So the doc replies "Now that we've taken care of your sinus problems, we'll work on your hearing"
"Doctor, you know that saying that women's fart don't smell nor make any noise?, Well it's true! Matter of fact, ever since I came in here I farted like 20 times already"
The doc furrows his brows and says "Here, try these and come back next week"
The woman comes back next week enraged and says "DOC WHAT DID YOU DO? My farts are still silent but they stink to high hell now!!!"
So the doc replies "Now that we've taken care of your sinus problems, we'll work on your hearing"
Judge to Mickey Mouse:
"Mr. Mouse, you understand that insanity is no longer grounds for divorce in the State of California?"
Mickey to the Judge:
"Your honor, I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was f___ing Goofy!"
PH
"Mr. Mouse, you understand that insanity is no longer grounds for divorce in the State of California?"
Mickey to the Judge:
"Your honor, I didn't say she was crazy! I said she was f___ing Goofy!"
PH
PH wins!
Girl runs in the cop station yelling "Grape! Grape!"
Cop goes - Dont you mean rape?
Girl says - No, there was a bunch of them!
Cop goes - Dont you mean rape?
Girl says - No, there was a bunch of them!
An old woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband.
She says, "I love you so much... I don't know how I could live without you."
Her husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me...... talking to the wine.”
She says, "I love you so much... I don't know how I could live without you."
Her husband says, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She replies, "It's me...... talking to the wine.”
This one you have to try out loud to make it funny.
It's kinda like a clean version of The Aristocrats.
"Two whales are sitting next to each other in a bar. The first whale leans over to other one and says..."
(Here's your chance to improvise: make whale sounds...ooooooiiiihhhh oooooohhhhhh clickclick click, waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhoooooo ohhhhhhhhhhh unnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnoooooohhh oh, click click click....
Go on for about four long deeps breaths, even taking an obvious deep breath between 'choruses.'
After a while, you may even need to use hand gestures to get people to stay with ya.
Finally, after an exhaustive demonstration of your whale sound abilities, end the noise.
Pause....)
The big finish: "The second whale looks back at the first one and says, "What did you say?"
Seriously, ya gotta try it on someone before you realize how funny it is. The best part is that it will be funniest to you!
It's kinda like a clean version of The Aristocrats.
"Two whales are sitting next to each other in a bar. The first whale leans over to other one and says..."
(Here's your chance to improvise: make whale sounds...ooooooiiiihhhh oooooohhhhhh clickclick click, waaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhoooooo ohhhhhhhhhhh unnnnnnnnnnnn nnnnnnnnnoooooohhh oh, click click click....
Go on for about four long deeps breaths, even taking an obvious deep breath between 'choruses.'
After a while, you may even need to use hand gestures to get people to stay with ya.
Finally, after an exhaustive demonstration of your whale sound abilities, end the noise.
Pause....)
The big finish: "The second whale looks back at the first one and says, "What did you say?"
Seriously, ya gotta try it on someone before you realize how funny it is. The best part is that it will be funniest to you!
What is the state bird of Florida?
The early bird.
The early bird.
So true!
Avert your eyes for this one...
What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?
You never jelly a d*** into someone...
What's the difference between Jelly and Jam?
You never jelly a d*** into someone...
This guy walks into his doctor's office complaining of a sharp pain on his forehead. The doctor runs some tests and tells the guy "I've found your problem but you're not going to like the cure - I have to castrate you.". The guy says hell no and leaves. He goes back in several times over the next week or two hoping for a different answer but keeps getting the same one. Finally the pain gets to be too much for him and he goes in and tells the doctor "I can't take this any more - go ahead and take'em doc.". So the doctor does his thing and the guy leaves he office pain-free.
On his way home he walks into a men's store and tells the clerk "I need some new underwear.". The clerk asks what size he wears and the guy responds "32", to which the clerk says "oh no sir - you look more like a 36 or 38. You know, if you wear those things too tight you'll get this pain on your forehead..."
On his way home he walks into a men's store and tells the clerk "I need some new underwear.". The clerk asks what size he wears and the guy responds "32", to which the clerk says "oh no sir - you look more like a 36 or 38. You know, if you wear those things too tight you'll get this pain on your forehead..."
NCAA! 
Congress. 
PH
PH
Q: How can you tell if a Florida State fan is a married man?
A: There’s tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup.
A: There’s tobacco juice running down both doors of his pickup.
quote:Originally posted by PurpleHaze:
Congress.
PH
+1
and also relevant; Congress.