Poor KHart. This thread has been damn funny, but I think it's time to do you a kindness. The wine is not worth anything. The last Wine Spectator review was from 1991. The wine was given 82 points and was noted to be on its way out.
Here's some sane advice:
Stand the bottle up for 3-4 days. Open it very gingerly (Ah-so opener recommended). Pour a little. Take a sip. If it's drinkable then enjoy it. The odds are slim- poor vintage, way over date, terrible condition bottle probably without good storage. It's worth nothing but the sentimental value.
After you're done throw the bottle back into the fire from whence it came! And stop feeding the jackals, they've already turned on you (funny group of jackals though)