Heard some new ones....
They seem "Steven Wright-ish."
I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice. At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.
My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.
The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.
I failed my biology test by one point, I missed "Name two things commonly found in cells." It appears that Pedophiles and Politicians is not correct.
Actually, you can say lots of bad things about pedophiles, but at least they drive slowly past schools.
Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sick bastard.