I just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I'll tell you what - never again.
-- Tim Vine
My mate Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
-- Gary Delaney
A dyslexic walks into a bra.
I went to the zoo. All it had in it was one dog. It was a Shitzu.
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.
-- Tommy Cooper
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.