Reply to "Have you heard any good jokes lately?"

I just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime vacation. I'll tell you what - never again.
-- Tim Vine

My mate Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted.
-- Gary Delaney

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

I went to the zoo. All it had in it was one dog. It was a Shitzu.

I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays.
-- Tommy Cooper

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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