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Have you heard any good jokes lately?
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A guy goes to a psychiatrist.
"You gotta help me doc. It's my wife."

The doc: It's your wife? What is it?

The patient: My wife thinks she is a chicken!

The doc: Your wife thinks she is a chicken?
Well, you should bring her here. With therapy, I can cure her.

The patient: I can't do that. I need the eggs.

Ba dum dum


99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.
 
Posts: 6946 | Location: Baltimore, MD | Registered: Feb 04, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?
"Are you kidding?," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!"


99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.
 
Posts: 6946 | Location: Baltimore, MD | Registered: Feb 04, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Originally posted by irwin:
A tourist from the Midwest walked into a Chinese curio shop in San Francisco.
While looking around at the exotic merchandise, he noticed a very lifelike, life-sized, bronze statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but was so incredibly striking the tourist decided he must have it. He took it to the old shop owner and asked, "How much for the bronze rat?"

"Ahhh, you have chosen wisely! It is $12 for the rat, and $100 for the story," said the wise old Chinaman.
The tourist quickly pulled out twelve dollars. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story", he said.
As he walked down the street carrying his bronze rat, the tourist noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the alleys and sewers and had begun following him down the street. This was a bit disconcerting so he began walking faster. A couple blocks later he looked behind him and saw to his horror the herd of rats behind him had grown to hundreds, and they began squealing. Sweating now, the tourist began to trot toward the Bay. After a couple more blocks, he looked around only to discover that the rats now numbered in the THOUSANDS, and were squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Terrified, he ran to the edge of the Bay and threw the bronze rat as far as he could into the Bay.

Amazingly, the thousands of rats all jumped into the Bay after the bronze rat, and were all drowned.
The man walked back to the curio shop in Chinatown.
"Ahhh," said the owner, "You have come back for story, yes?
"Are you kidding?," said the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Democrat!"


This, by chance, didn't start as a lawyer joke did it? Wink


"Wine, one sip of this will bathe the drooping spirits in delight beyond the bliss of dreams. Be wise and taste."
- Milton
 
Posts: 3354 | Location: NW Suburbs of Chicago | Registered: Aug 16, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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aphilla:
ouch Bang


99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.
 
Posts: 6946 | Location: Baltimore, MD | Registered: Feb 04, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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As we approach what may be the last game of a long and great college football rivalry, here are some dingers for my friends in the maroon and white:

http://home.earthlink.net/~mike_scott/aggjoke.htm


"They speak of my drinking, but never consider my thirst..."
 
Posts: 1837 | Location: Austin, TX | Registered: Sep 07, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Originally posted by irwin:
aphilla:
ouch Bang


I imagine lawyers hear a lot of good jokes that get repurposed not to involve lawyers. Maybe I'm wrong about that....


"Wine, one sip of this will bathe the drooping spirits in delight beyond the bliss of dreams. Be wise and taste."
- Milton
 
Posts: 3354 | Location: NW Suburbs of Chicago | Registered: Aug 16, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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An Avon lady gets on an elevator and the doors close. She suddenly feels a rumbling in her belly and rips a nice fart, and quickly pulls out her pine spray and tries to cover it. The doors open again and an old drunk gets on. The drunk is standing there swaying and suddenly said "Whew! What's that smell??". The lady, turning red, says "Umm, what does it smell like?" and the drunk says "Like someone shit a Christmas tree"


"They speak of my drinking, but never consider my thirst..."
 
Posts: 1837 | Location: Austin, TX | Registered: Sep 07, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A rabbi has the urge to try pork. Of course, he can't go to a restaurant in the city in which he lives, because he might run into someone he knows.
So, he flies to NY, goes to a restaurant, and orders suckling pig. The dish is served to him on a nice platter, and the pig is roasted to a beautiful hue, with an apple in its mouth.
The rabbi looks at it. He picks up his fork. He picks up his knife. Just then, the door of the restaurant opens, and, IT'S A PERSON HE KNOWS FROM HIS CONGREGATION!!!
The guy says, "Rabbi....What are you doing?"
The rabbi says "This is amazing. I ordered a baked apple, and look how they serve it!!"


99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.
 
Posts: 6946 | Location: Baltimore, MD | Registered: Feb 04, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A police officer knocks on a guy's door and when he opens it, shows him an 8x10 photo and asks "Sir, is this your wife?". The guy looks and says "Why yes it is officer.". The cop says "Well, it looks like she's been hit by a bus" and the guy replies "Yeah, but she's got a great personality."
Cool

(rim shot)


"They speak of my drinking, but never consider my thirst..."
 
Posts: 1837 | Location: Austin, TX | Registered: Sep 07, 2002Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Good one!!!


Just one more sip.
 
Posts: 36424 | Location: NY | Registered: Oct 18, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Two male lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.

One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."

The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time.....So...Do you think we should.....well.....You know.......Screw her?"

"Out of WHAT?" asked the other lawyer.


99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.
 
Posts: 6946 | Location: Baltimore, MD | Registered: Feb 04, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
Posts: 2499 | Location: Toronto | Registered: Nov 30, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Tim Tebow is an NFL quality quarterback.


“The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.”—Winston Churchill”
 
Posts: 3470 | Location: Vermont | Registered: Sep 10, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, an Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, an Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, an Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, aHungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, an Ukrainian, a Dutchman, an Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans . . .

. . . walk into a very fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,

"You can't come in here without a Thai. "


99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.
 
Posts: 6946 | Location: Baltimore, MD | Registered: Feb 04, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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an old man is in icu with all these beeping machines around him, an oxygen mask. He sees nurse walk by and in a muffled voice asks "nurse, are my testicles black?" Being a dedicated icu nurse she lifts up mr. schwartz's gown, examines and says " i assure you, your testicles are not black Mr. Shwartz!"
He takes a deep breath, removes his mask and said "thank you but i asked---are my test results back?"
 
Posts: 764 | Location: Long Island, NY | Registered: Jul 11, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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The Republican

A union boss walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama's victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union boss.

So the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

So just to make his point one more time, the union boss once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. But, as before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

Frustrated, the union boss asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly ass does is smile and thank me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."


99% of lawyers give the rest of us a bad name.
 
Posts: 6946 | Location: Baltimore, MD | Registered: Feb 04, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Not a joke, but has me laughing for 3 days.

According to EPA results in CA. The farts that the 298,000 cows blow emit more polutants tha the 9.1 million cars in teh county.

Love to know who measured this piece of science


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Ed Bowers
Live simply, Laugh often, Wine a lot!!!
 
Posts: 6167 | Location: Palm Beach Gardens FL | Registered: Nov 05, 2001Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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What do you call someone scared of Santa?

Claustrophobic
 
Posts: 1898 | Location: Toronto | Registered: Jan 12, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Originally posted by Ed Bowers [i.e. FlWino]:
Not a joke, but has me laughing for 3 days.

According to EPA results in CA. The farts that the 298,000 cows blow emit more polutants tha the 9.1 million cars in teh county.

Love to know who measured this piece of science


I certainly would not want to be the scientist that sat behind a cow all day holding a bottle to capture and measure just how much gas was being passed


This is my sig -> www.brownteacup.com
www.wsqwine.com
(Wine distributor)
 
Posts: 11001 | Location: NYC | Registered: Feb 16, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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My all-time favorite, found on a "Laffy Taffy" wrapper:

- What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?


- A Stick
 
Posts: 1292 | Location: Murrieta, CA | Registered: Mar 14, 2011Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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http://www.nydailynews.com/ent...-1.1214757?pmSlide=3

caption reads:
"'9-Eyes' by Jon Rafman
It looks like one of these women forgot something pretty important before leaving the house -- her pants!

"

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAA... that must be it.

standing on a corner she totally forgot her pants when she left her house.


This is my sig -> www.brownteacup.com
www.wsqwine.com
(Wine distributor)
 
Posts: 11001 | Location: NYC | Registered: Feb 16, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Posts: 2980 | Location: Boca Raton, FL | Registered: Dec 29, 2006Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Posts: 2499 | Location: Toronto | Registered: Nov 30, 2009Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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quote:
Originally posted by VinT:
Scottish Marriage Proposal


Eek

Funny, though....

PH
 
Posts: 14645 | Location: Maryland, USA (DC suburbs) | Registered: Nov 22, 2003Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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Heard this in the a.m. today while taking the lil one to school.

Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To look for Pluto!

I couldn't help but laugh each time I heard it.
 
Posts: 3029 | Location: ATL | Registered: Mar 20, 2007Reply With QuoteReport This Post
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