Welcome to the 1000 Post Wine Bar. I think you'll be comfortable here. Belly up to the virtual bar and ponder the list of wines from around the world while I introduce my staff. It's been a long and tedious search finding such qualified help. I've wasted a lot of time on the WS boards getting to know these folks. I know you're anxious to order your wine so I'll get to it. Our experts here at the 1000 Post Wine Bar are:

Italy- The man in the sash and funny hat is Enoselsa. He won the hat and sash in some cereal box contest but he'll tell you that he was bestowed with some honor in Florence. We have to humor him but at least he doesn't ask us to bow as he passes. He has a sharp wit and knows his Italian wine though. He works with our special Italian importer Andreadago.

Bordeaux- The big guy in the jogging suit is Board-O. He's here all the time. I can't get him to leave. In fact, it really doesn't matter which wine you order, he'll probably come over and throw in his 2 cents anyway. I almost hired Latour67 but I was afraid he would talk all of the customers out of buying the 2000 bordeaux when it arrives.

Spain- That new kid that is being forced to drink the Lancers at the end of the bar as part of his initiation is Gastronauta. I think he'll work out if he stays.

Port- B-man is off today. He used to serve in the Canadien Foriegn Legion or something like that. All I know is that he'll tell anyone who will listen about how hard it is to get good Port in India. His assistant Blobby works on the weekends.

Germany- The guy in the supertight T-shirt that reads "Kiss me if you love Riesling" is GATC. Don't ask him about his deal on Riesling for $7/bottle unless you have a lot of time to kill. Wait 'til you see the back of his shirt. GATC! Turn around. Check it out: "Call me a Doctor (Thanisch, Fischer, Loosen)". I get a kick out of that.

Rhone Valley- The 3 musketeers work this section. Seaquam, BurgundyDude(don't let the "Burgundy" part of his name fool you) and Gigond Ass. Just don't ask them for advise at the same time. They'll go on and on and on. Boy they remind me off the Hanson Brothers from the movie slapshot. Pleasant helpful folks though and that Seaquam cracks me up.

Australia- It's been very difficult to keep good help in this section. I had originally hired TORB and Spanky but they never showed up for work and we can't locate them. This section is now run by the cheerful man with the English accent dusting the bottles at the end of the bar, Jan Luthman. Oh, I forgot, we have the accent, not him. Anyway I think he brings an air of sophistication to the joint, don't you? A word of advice though, if you order a Shiraz from him, check your glass for mold and frogs (and I don't mean Frenchmen). Don't ask. Just trust me on this one.

Argentina- Kybo? Kybo where are you? Oh there he is; he's with his partner Italian Wino. Waive to them. Between you and I, I don't know why I hired them. The only Argentinian wine they ever recommend is Tikal. I think they must be getting a kickback.

Special Dessert Section- The man in the surgical mask is Dr.T. We don't know why he wears it and we've always been to afraid to ask. He's like Mikey in the Life Cereal commercial though. He'll try anything. Muscat, Tokay, Welshriesling. As long as it's sweet. He'll probably sit down and have a glass with you. Now that I think about it, that goes for all of our staff.

Canada- There is only one person to ask if you're considering a wine from the Great White North and that is our very own Mighty Mishy. She's a scrapper. Psssst. Come here. A little closer. A word of advise, even if you don't like what she picked for you, never let her know. Shhhhhh. She's coming. Hi Mishy, we weren't talking about you. Seriously ....... okay, the coast is clear, we can move on.

Zinfandel- Oh here comes our expert now. Hey! I thought I told you to scrape the dirt off your shoes before coming in here. The guy in the overalls who's leaving the trail of dirt behind him is Vitis Vinifera. When he's not working the fields in Lodi, we put him to work behind the bar. I really should institute a dress code for the staff.

Other California- This was a tough hire because there were so many that were qualified. Anyway, the man in the soundproof glass box behind you is JonesWineNo1. Nobody, especially customers are allowed to talk to him because he always ends up in an argument. He sure knows his California wine though. He just types in his recommendation for you on his keyboard and one of our other California experts (King of Hearts, Short the World or redredred) will get your order. That reminds me. I have another bit of advice for you, don't mention Jones if Mishy is around. Excuse me? No we didn't say anything Mishy....boy, another close call.

Oregon- BHVineyard is from MSP & PDX wherever that is. All I know is that he talks like he is from the movie Fargo and knows his way around Oregon Pinot Noir.

Virginia- See that sad looking guy sitting all alone in the corner. That's Rabbit at Work. Poor guy. No matter where he works, he's never been able to recommend a Virginia wine. Nobody has ever ordered one. He just sits there mumbling to himself "they're not that bad, they're not that bad".

Shipping & Legal Dept.- If you like any of the wines you try here today, ask for Rothko. He's our staff attorney. He'll find a way to get the wine to you no matter where you're from. He's also the reason we have all this post modernist abstract art on the walls. He says it puts the customers in the mood to drink. I don't know why I let him talk me into trading my last case of 1967 d'Yquem.

Bouncer- Sitting on the barstool at the front door is Keith Scott. His motto is "my way or the cab highway". During his entire tenure, he's only had to eject one person from the bar for foul language; but don't be fooled, he'll do what it takes. Oh and once you've been removed from the bar, there is a 6 month cooling off period before you're allowed back in. You can confirm that with Ronmc.

Customer Relations- I can see by looking at you that you already met Tsunami. He's the one who greeted you at the door and put the smiley face sticker on your lapel. What's that. Oh, well don't worry, none of us really understand him. It's best to just return the smile and nod. Oops he heard us. Here he comes. Yes, yes Tsunami, good job. Thank you, now back to work. Surprisingly, he does quite a bit of consulting for the German, Dessert and Port sections.

Now sorry I can't stick around to help you myself but I have a plane to catch. The first drink is on the house. Our crack staff will cater to your every need. Oh and be sure to stick around tonight because we have a stage show. The SOLID GOLD CORK DANCERS are here every weekend. You'll see Cabchic, Jules and R-Tist. R-Tist is the one in the leopard skin underwear. No, no, don't leave. It's family entertainment. Really. Sit down. Relax. The underwear isn't even R-Tists. They are Toetags undies. Board-O stole them.

Well there you have it. Enjoy. The staff will be in charge of the 1000 Post Wine Bar for the rest of April.

VM

As the first customer, I'll take one of each!

And a hearty CONGRATULATIONS for making 1000



[ 04-19-2002, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: Rothko ]

I can't decide. Call it a "Conundrum". So I think I'll order a little of everything, and mix it all together. Call it the VM House Blend. I wanted Ronmc to pour for me, but I think he's on double secret probation. After the workers get off for the night, you're all invited back to may place for some after-hours quaffing.

Could anyone recommend a good Canadian Zinfandel?

Nice job VM!

Decisions, decisions. I just can't decide. All I know is that the bottle better come to me unopened. After all, I did make certain to adhere to the proper dress etiquette.

But make it snappy -- I have to get up and dance soon.

Bravo, VM.

[ 04-19-2002, 04:31 PM: Message edited by: jules ]

Vino Me, or VM, or boss?;
Glad you finally made your 1,000th post! Is that roughly akin to a business making its first profit? If so, I want a raise, and no confiscating my tip!!!

Yeah Vino Me! Now that's a wine bar!

hip, hip, hooray !!!!!

Vino, great post, and a fitting way to commemorate a milestone posting! Congratulations!

[ 04-19-2002, 04:52 PM: Message edited by: redredred ]

Oh VM! Congratulations.

I am wiping the tears out of my eyes.

I put on my robe and hat just for you.

By the way, are those table dances? I'm out of ones.

Keep an eye out for Mike Goldman. He has been seen in the area checking ABC licenses and shipping labels.

Ciao

Nice job Vino. You need to hire a Washington expert too. After all, it is starting to challenge CA on total vineyard acreage (It's already won the value battle). I nominate Blobby, if you can mentor him on increasing his post count.

W

[ 04-19-2002, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: Wino ]

I'll have a glass of Franzia White Zin, please.

What? Why are all you people staring at me?

Vino Me:

It has been a long week, you opened just in time. I can see you have an impressive selection of wines-by-the glass, so I will start with some of your finest:

First Round: 1947 Chateau Petrus

Second Round: The Opus One "sampler" flight

Third Round: 1993 Silver Oak-Alex. Val.

Please charge it to the Underhill account.

By-the-way, what is the "tip-out" scale for your staff?

:-) :-) :-)

Sir Vino,
I'll take one Australian and two Italians please
oh..wait...wine..ummmm!???
okay..pour me one Jonsey.....give me the best California has to offer.
PE

VM, congratulations on your 1000th post. It's amazing how much we have come to know about each other without ever meeting.

[ 04-19-2002, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: GATC ]

Vino Me,

That post is so long, WS should have numbered it "1025"!

And you should have hired me, as I'd make sure your profit spread was in your favor and not in favor of those Negociants and Chateaux owners! Those greedy sob's would sell Enoselsa's sash & funny hat if they could convince anyone that it was "The sash & hat of the century"!

Vino Me-

The king and his court salute you. Millenium Club member.

PS Thanks for the email tip. I took advantage! I'd shake your hand, but got to go back to the Special Dessert Section. The customers are clamoring and you know what for.
PSS Have a great trip. Who knows I may join the millenium club by your return.

DrT

[ 04-19-2002, 06:06 PM: Message edited by: dr.tannin aka x-man ]

where in Oregon is MSP & PDX. I've been wondering for a while now.

Great post, Vino. Congratulations on hitting another milestone achievement!! Does Mrs. VM share in the pride that we feel in you, or is she still angry about not seeing you for the past two days as you worked on your epic?

By the way, I'm pretty sure it's Enoselsa who's got the leopard-print thong fixation. At least, he's the one who keeps mentioning it. However, his therapist has been working on getting him never to mention it again, so if he doesn't respond to this post to deny it, it means his therapist has been successful. On the other hand, if he DOES respond and deny it, it just means a few more months of electroshock for him.

(read as lively backround bar conversation)
Hey Shanew,
I think he must travel between Minneapolis/St Paul and Portland, Oregon. MSP and PDX are the airport codes (LAX=Los Angeles Intl)
Barkeep! Another glass of virtual Harlan please!
PE

[ 04-19-2002, 07:09 PM: Message edited by: Pinot Envy ]

What leopard skin thong? ... bzzzzt!

...smoke good...fire bad...

Ciao

I can't wait to get a look at the wine list.

seek, oxymorons are not permitted here.

board-o,

Come-on we all know that canada has the only cult white zinfandel, no?

W

Great post, Vino!!

I thought for a few moments as I was reading that I had actually written it (my memory has been bad of late) until I got to the part about Gastronauta drinking Lancers, and realized I would have gone only with Mateus, so it had to be someone else who wrote this.

My favorite part: "Our crack staff will cater to your every need... R-Tist is the one in the leopard skin underwear... The underwear isn't even R-Tists. They are Toetags undies. Board-O stole them." A very clever crack by you, Vino.

And congratulations