I don't know how many of you have ever read Samuel Beckett's metaphysical absurdist play, 'Waiting for Godot' but it's something I had to do years ago in first year university, and I've never forgotten it. I would never be so presumptuous as to pretend that I could even mimic Beckett's style, but a recent post by our own King of Hearts provided a brief moment of inspiration. So, without further ado, here for your entertainment pleasure is the first draft manuscript of 'WAITING FOR BORDO', a tragicomic one-act surrealistic play. Like Beckett's much more serious play, this really is "theater of the absurd."
[DISCLAIMER: I did not write this play. It was written for me by the participants. They get full credit for all the profound statements they have made. I SWEAR THAT I HAVE NOT CHANGED ONE WRITTEN WORD. The only punctuation I have added is periods at the ends of sentences. Otherwise, everything you read can be found exactly as written by each character in a post somewhere on this website, and therefore many of the lines will sound familiar. And finally, I love each of these three characters--in the virtual sense, of course--and bless them daily for the knowledge and entertainment which they have provided for me and countless others in this little internet world we visit. They are truly the heroes of the WS forums.]
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< < < < < WAITING FOR BOARD-O > > > > >
< < A TRAGICOMIC MOMENT Of MAN'S EXISTENCE IN ONE SCENE > >
[THE STAGE IS BARE. ONE LIGHT BURNS DIMLY OVERHEAD. THE NARRATOR STANDS MID-STAGE, HEAD BOWED SLIGHTLY AS IF WEIGHED DOWN BY A JEROBOAM OF SCREAMING EAGLE]
NARRATOR: "Finally, in the interest of this thread becoming the first 1,000-post entry, I'd like to invite Mishy, Board-O and Jones to start a flaming fight." (from 'Post No. 777' by the King of Hearts)
[NARRATOR EXITS, STAGE LEFT; FROM THE RIGHT SLOWLY ENTER THE THREE]
MISHY: really missed you Jones these past few days.
JONES: yes I am sadly ready to be underwhelmed.
BORDO: I somehow managed to supress my natural response.
MISHY: Well, it's never too late to come to your senses !
BORDO: That's absolutely ridiculous.
MISHY: I'm thinking of starting a religion based on that very fact.
JONES: I don't find that explanation persuasive.
MISHY: I think the concept is good, it just needs more contributions by posters.
JONES: Of course that assertion is incorrect as far as I am concerned.
BORDO: Jones' assessment seems right on target to me.
MISHY: Damn, I do love fighting with you two boneheads, but I did give you slightly more credit lately Board-O - or were you just 'bored-O' today?
BORDO: You have no idea what you're talking about.
MISHY: you should have no trouble finding it.
JONES: You are way overreacting.
BORDO: Just because you state something with conviction doesn't mean you have any idea of what you speak.
MISHY: Jones, you know exactly what you did and said here, and the hand you played in this.
JONES: If I were you I would try at least one of each vintage.
BORDO: A lot of people subscribe to that theory.
MISHY: Now there's something mindless for us to try to figure out.
BORDO: I know another suggestion may not be welcome, but I'd think participation would be easier in the future.
MISHY: YES, he provided a study for me to read, but it was too difficult with his hands in my mouth, but I got the gist of it by his explination.
JONES: I am not forcing anything down your throat.
MISHY: I'm also guessing, judging by what sugar can do to your teeth, acid is just a tad bit more effective.
BORDO: if he tells you that brushing your teeth after dinner will make the acid disappear from your mouth, he is an idiot.
JONES: Thanks Board-O. Minor skirmishes on the internet hardly rise to the level of creating a scene or much of anything else while one is traveling.
MISHY: it's just one big happy family of fun and frivolity here.
BORDO: Yeah, I showed it to my wife, too. She hit me.
MISHY: Your behavior is only harming your credibulity, and certainly can't be good for your popularity or respect from other posters.
JONES: A few months ago, I got in trouble for voicing my concern that Mishy is mentally unstable.
BORDO: What about all of the FUN that followed?
MISHY: Geez Board-O, there should be billows of smoke coming out of your ears by now !? hmmmmm.......zap, zap, zap !!!
BORDO: I never felt they quite deserved the prices they fetched.
MISHY: after that 1/2 bottle of Chilean Merlot I had last night, I'm apparently "raging with estrogen" today.
BORDO: I'm relaxing here watching your estrogen rage. It ain't a pretty sight.
MISHY: My reference to 'raging estrogen' had nothing to do with me or you, or this thread for that matter......so what's the problem ? I should be asking you 'that' question.
BORDO: This is not about the need to brush your teeth before you go to bed.
MISHY: isn't it like arguing about whether we should wash our hands after we go to the bathroom ?
JONES: I also occasionally just throw them in the dishwasher to get them really clean.
MISHY: It would be your style I'd think, I'm guessing Board-O would also.
BORDO: they are very big and even a little heavy-handed.
JONES: They have big fruit and aging is not absolutely mandatory.
BORDO: They may hold, but, imo, they don't improve.
JONES: I do not believe it develops the complexity in the nose or etherealness on the palate.
BORDO: The fact that I regard them as pests doesn't mean they actually are pests. To me, they are, because I neither need nor want their officious attention.
MISHY: No one has denied this very obvious fact, even the most pessimistic.
JONES: Why pay a huge markup when it is easy to replicate at home?
BORDO: Which one of you mailed me an ear?
MISHY: With the weather being not quite spring but further from winter, I have been swinging both ways.
JONES: Both are very enjoyable.
MISHY: It's obvious what's going on here - Jones wants me and Board-Os jelous, and you can't fault either of them for that.
BORDO: These old bones need a nap.
MISHY: who EXACTLY do you 'THINK' your kidding ?
BORDO: Later, I'll try to call your hotel and see about a group rate like yours.
MISHY: I don't want you to come and throw things at me from the lobby , you and your cronies scare me !
BORDO: OH NO! I'VE CREATED A MONSTER!
MISHY: He only wants me for my soul, I'm on to him.
JONES: No sleeping in coffins.
BORDO: From the taste, I would have bet it came from a box.
JONES: You are asking for an open container violation.
BORDO: Well, I guess that method is OK, but then we'll wind up staying in a bunch of different hotels.
MISHY: I had stated that Board-o was a big, fat fool, which I did appoligize for.
BORDO: I guess you can get pretty anal about your stemware if you want.
JONES: I don't see any reason to defer one's gratification.
BORDO: I don't know that there's a formula. It's a measurement, by volume.
MISHY: Why it works, I don't really know, but it may just be some sort of miracle.
BORDO: It probably wasn't sediment.
MISHY: Yes, yes.............I've been very busy battling evil here......I'll get back to you tomorrow.
JONES: I have been lucky to experience all of the above at least a few times and many at least a couple of times.
MISHY: Jonesey, when will you stop arguing about things you know absolutely nothing about, and for some reason refuse to research ?
JONES: Using points does not automatically connote one is using a purportedly "objective" review standard.
BORDO: My most common request is to have a fruit sauce with duck changed to a non-sweet sauce.
MISHY: ironically, that also works beautifully with the local wines.
JONES: Mishy you are letting past threads that you (imo overreacted to) color the way you are viewing this one.
BORDO: She also thinks any contrary opinion is a direct personal attack.
MISHY: The fact that he is so very threatened by me makes me feel very 'almighty' - and it's just so cute !
JONES: I am a little surprised he performed so poorly for you in this instance.
MISHY: Jones your attempting to define my mental stabulity while being a sociopath is truly comic.
JONES: it may lack the spice to be an ideal match.
MISHY: I'd like to know what exactly is a Texas dry rub ?
JONES: more overtly fruity, is approachable earlier, and does not have as much iron/blood/spice tones.
BORDO: It is pleasant enough, but has a seedy part also.
MISHY: regardless of cost and avalabulity I want it.
JONES: Everyone's palate is perfect in one instance - their own personal taste.
MISHY: WOW...........I'm hurt I know nothing You know ALL. I've been so wrong !
BORDO: I don't remember discussing this.
JONES: I don't think anyone is really arguing here.
BORDO: If I agree with Jones, will I be accused of tiptoing around him?
MISHY: I'm "guessing" your on 'crack' - but I LIKE your sense of humour.
JONES: I agree with Mishy.
MISHY: This is the FIRST time Jones has ADMITTED it.
BORDO: You have a penchant for stating the obvious.
JONES: I agree. This is a great way to experience.
MISHY: Board-O is correct.
BORDO: I don't tiptoe around anyone, but you'rer welcome to your opinion.
JONES: For the most part, I agree.
BORDO: That is part of what I was trying to say.
JONES: life is too short.
MISHY: Oh, I do hope this wasn't just another hallucination Because it has that 'feel' of surrealism.
BORDO: A little dose of realism would help. Just because you live there doesn't make it Valhalla.
[ALL EXIT, STAGE LEFT; LIGHTS DIM SLOWLY; ONLY SILENCE REMAINS]
I commend your effort. I smiled all the way through it. Cudos!
I think this shows that there are only so many things that can be said, before one begins to repeat oneself.
Author, author. What a work of art. You are truly amazing.
Don't leave us hanging. Where is act II?
Maybe it is yet to be written by Jones, Mishy and Board-O. But who is the protaganist? Who is the hero? How will it climax?
I think I have to go watch Pulp Fiction again.
Was it just my 'raging estrogen', or was a great portion of that thread sexually suggestive ?
Seaquam, tell me more of this Beckett person !
Beckett wore a leopard-skin thong under his tights.
ROTFLMAO, while me thinks you have way too much time on your hands. Great job and research.
crisis mode would be so proud!
I can't read with tears in my eyes!!
Obviously someone has too much time on his hands. I'll use mine to applaude!!
I think I now understand why I do not like metaphysical absurdist plays.
Now who shall play these characters?
Mishy - Courtney Love; Renee Zellweger; Drew Barrymore; Deborah Winger
Bordo - Sean Penn; Johnny Depp; Nicholas Cage; Billy Bob Thornton
Jones - Jeremy Irons; Kevin Spacey; Ralph Fiennes; Danny DiVito
The Tree: Marvin Shanken
Director: Robert Altman
Narrator: The King, of course
Special Effects- Tsunami
Catering: James Suckling,
Grip: Keith Scott
Seaquam- I don't get it. I must have been gone for too long. Who is this Jones?
Indeed, who is "this Jones"?
Well, he's got an excellent palate, writes very good and detailed tasting notes, has a remarkable cellar, is engaged to a lovely young woman, and likely has far too many positive attributes for me to cite all of them in such a short space.
On the other hand, many of his comments are quite terse (verging on Hemmingwayesque), occasionally brusque, and I think he would not be insulted if I were to say that he is occasionally outspoken, though if he were offended by that I would retract it quickly.
Stick around, ronmc. Ya can't miss him.
Ronmc, is that REALLY you ?!? Or is this just a cruel joke ?
Welcome back ! But do try not to be a "Beauneair" this time
You'll never believe what's been happening here since you left and sometimes we even talk about wine Now you stick around, because the concept of 'six degrees of Kevin Bacon', is very similar to your legacy here on WS, we were even going to write some folk songs about you
ps- jones is the anti-Christ
QoH - love your suggestions, but here are a few other options for casting, just in case those are not available:
Mishy - Madonna, Lucy Lawless, Linda Hamilton, Meg Tilly, Sigorney Weaver, Gina Gershon, Sharon Stone, Linda Fiorintino
Bordo - Bruce Willis, Gary Busey, Russell Crowe, Micky Rourke, Dennis Hopper, Matt Dillon, Harvey Kietel , Clint Eastwood
Jones - Allen Rickman, John Malkovich, Gary Oldman, Cristopher Walken, Al Pacino, Billy Zane
Director - David Cronenberg
Seaquam & Mishy- Maybe I know Jones. Does he post on WLDG? There are a lot of former board members from WS over there (including George aka geo t.). You know when WS deleted my post and would not allow me to use the name "Beaune Aire" I was ticked off. Especially when they seemed to let so much other crap get by. How much worse was my name than "Gigond Ass"? Oh well, water under the bridge as my post in Madder than Hell says.
Mishy: Can't help noticing that everyoneyou suggest should play you is a babe, with attitude no less (no one should be surprised! ), most of the actors you suggest should play Board-O are what my wife would call stud-muffins, while those who would play Jones are classic villains. Ergo (Seaquam is inspiring me to be more literary in my posts), it seems that while you trash Board-O most violently, in fact you visualize him as a stud-muffin. No doubt you draw on his frequent references to working out.
I have a 10 year old daughter, who I am sure will grow to be a babe like her Mom, and I tell here that when the boys at school pick on her and treat her badly, it is simply a sign of juvenile affections. Try as I might, I cannot resist drawing the same conclusions about you and Board-O, less so now about you and Jonesy.
Is the cat out of the bag?
I don't post anywhere but here.
All great nominations for actors/actresses here, but I can't help but picture the following:
JW1 - Jack Nicholson;
Mishy - Helen Hunt;
Its 'As Good As It Gets - Redux'! No rehersals, they've already done the parts! Board-O, on the other hand requires someone capable of pulling off the trusted father figure role while being able to buddy-jump at the drop of a hat:
Board-O - Steve Martin;
Director - Ron Howard, to keep it PG-13 (actually, this is right up Kevin Branaugh's alley!)
The Narrator - KoH, doing his best Rod Serling immo;
[ 04-01-2002, 08:09 PM: Message edited by: kybo ]
Jones, she wrote Danny Devito, but she probably meant Danny Aiello.
ronmc -- do you see what I mean by "terse" and "brusque"? There's a certain economy of words there that's almost poetic. It's as though his literary training evolved through writing legal briefs.
ronmc, meet JonesWineNo1. Jones....ronmc.
And if Seaquam's play was eventually animated and brought to the silver screen . . .
Mishy: Olive Oyl.
KofH Narrator: Whimpy
Here we are ringside again. Look, stop hoggin' the popcorn.
What was that... Seaqespeare? Act I Intermission. What's next...Act II?
I 'm still waiting for the next round of WSW-Wine Spectator Wrestling: We've had
shanen v Board-O
JNW v Mishy x 3
Zeke v TORB
Hey, come on...pass the popcorn!
[ 04-01-2002, 08:29 PM: Message edited by: dr.tannin aka x-man ]
Bman, those women are my heroines, although, sadly, I look nothing like any of them - but I can relate to each and every one. I choose Meg Tilly and Gina Gershon for their roles in 'Bound', Madonna obviously ( and I love her Guy Richie ), Sigorney Weaver for Alien (2-3 also), Linda Fiorentino for The Last Seduction, and I don't suppose I need to explain Sharon Stone or Lucy Lawless' inclusion.
I would not include Keitel, Busey, or Hopper in the stud-muffin catigory, so that blows your theory. You'd be correct if you said that there 'tough' guys, and a few of them are a bit nuts
Your bang-on on the villans, that was indeed my intent, especially Allen Rickman in Die Hard & Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves - he was so nasty it was scarey I should've included Ben Kingsley for his role in Sexy Beast, but it was a late after thought.
Jones, I think that QoH included Danny Devito for his roles playing sleazy lawyers, that would be my guess ( ie. War of the Roses ), and his characters are often discribed as egotistical - another shot in the dark.
Good call on that one QoH, I had to think a bit 'why?' myself, but I get it now
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